Broken

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Broken-
having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order 

(of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.

I used to think I was broken using both definitions. That I was living a lie, that I was going out in the world and acting like everything was ok when it wasn’t. I felt like something inside of me was broken and could not be fixed. I had a hole in my heart that was irreparable. I tried a lot of this but nothing could fill it, not partying, not work, not my friends, not my husband, everything I was trying to do wasn’t working.

So in my last resort I turned to God. I’m glad I did. I learned I’m not broken. God made me this way. He has plans for me that are good. I didn’t always believe that or understand but I stayed in the word. It made a huge difference on my outlook in life. There is beauty in my brokenness. I wouldn’t have grown in my relationship with God if I wasn’t broken. Everyday is practice in reminding myself that I have to meet no one expectations but my own.

If you feel broken just know you don’t have to stay that way. There is a way out. You won’t be able to do it on your own, not long lasting. Getting out of your head and closer to God is the only long term solution and potentially seeing a therapist.

Updated: since I wrote the above words Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have both committed suicide. This has sparked debate about what role does prayer and God specifically play in mental health. I think that God is our first resource in working on our mental health. Getting into your bible, prayer, fasting, meditating, it’s all an important part of the healing process. We can’t do it on our own and believing you can may be a fatal mistake. You need tools to overcome things you have been through. Seek help if you need it.

New series alert!

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I had been wanting to do summaries of books in the bible for a while and I read some really awesome ones online. I didn’t think my mine were good enough so I didn’t go ahead with the idea. I was trying to make them too much like the ones I saw and not do it in my voice. The old testament can be boring but there are some interesting perspectives and lessons we can glean from it. I have been doing a bible in a year plan and was going to start this way back when I was in Numbers. I talked myself out of it. I didn’t want my readers who weren’t into God to leave. I didn’t want to appear to churchy. Isn’t that insane? It’s a blog about God!

Bible-reading-plan

My goal is to help people with their spiritual growth. Reading your bible is one way to do that. Its really the first step in moving up in your spiritual maturity. If you read my thoughts on a particular book you may want to go back and read some of it yourself. Bare with me as I try this out. The bible has so much to unpack, I don’t want to overwhelm myself. This will be good for me and good for you too. I’m excited to see where this series go. I haven’t fleshed it all out yet but now that I told you, I can’t back out now. Thanks readers for just by your presence holding me accountable.

First post in this series will be the first week of July. I currently just finished 2 Chronicles. I will probably start there but I may go back as well to some of the books that I missed.

Guilty

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via Daily Prompt: Guilty

I know this daily prompt is late but it was too good for me to pass up so I’m posting it anyway. Update: since writing this post I have learned that the daily prompt from WordPress is now gone. (gasp!) I loved the daily word prompt. It really stretched me. I am still going to do one, I just need to figure out how I want to do it. If anyone knows why they decided to stop let me know.

Guilty-a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.

Guilt is a powerful thing. I have been trying to live as guilt free as possible because I used to carry around a lot of guilt. Guilt for things I had done in the past, guilt for the way I handled situations, just guilt, guilt, guilt. I wrote about some solutions to getting rid of guilt in a post from the beginning of the year. Its worth a read if you have some time. I also talked about Condemnation vs. Conviction. That is the big thing with guilt. Some of it can be good, like conviction. Conviction lets you know you are doing something wrong. Condemnation is bad because it takes you away from God. Guilt is like condemnations little brother. You don’t typically have one without the other.

Guilt-does-to-the-soul

Guilt is not of God. Don’t do it to yourself. Don’t let anyone else make you feel guilty either. The whole point of confession is that you don’t have to carry this burden anymore. Guilt is carrying around the burden and Jesus is a burden bearer. Psalm 68:19.

Resources

http://www1.cbn.com/keys-powerful-living-overcoming-guilt

Guilt vs. Shame [Infographic]

View at Medium.com

View at Medium.com

View at Medium.com

View at Medium.com

Healthy lifestyle

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This is healthy living thing is not as easy as it looks. It doesn’t look easy but I know a lot of people that do it so I figured it can’t be too difficult. Wrong! I talk a lot about spiritual growth and being I intentional. I make it my business to do my devotional every day, read my bible before bed, pray, etc. I have to have that same intensity for my physical health lifestyle change.

I was eating my breakfast burrito and thinking I had made a fairly healthy choice and my friend was like, that’s not really healthy Dom and it’s kinda of lazy. Sheesh! I wasnt ready for that but she was right. She gave me some good ideas for meal prep and some books and things I could check out. Her pointing out the laziness in my process really made me stop and think. I was doing the same thing and expecting different results. I have been walking 8000 steps or more every day or other and I have cut back on my carbs but that’s what I always do around this time of year. I need to be intentional. I need to incorporate this into my daily life not as something that’s an after thought. I approach my spiritual growth very seriously. I read books and podcasts, I study. I haven’t done much I this process. I certainly haven’t done anything differently. I’m on a fake yoyo diet. I dont want to continue going up and down. I need to make a lifestyle change which is going to be harder than I initially thought.

I need to make a real life schedule just like I do for everything else. To walk 4 miles it takes at least an hour and once I start riding my bike it will take even longer. Exercising takes away from me wanting to write. Not good. So the smart thing to do would be to work out on the days I don’t have a blog to post. But the days I don’t post I’m usually doing a church activity, bible study, Food pantry, etc.

I heard the other day that you can have it all just not at the same time. Do you think that’s true? I want it all I want to be super healthy in mind,body, and soul, involved in church, awesome blogger/writer and still have time to hang with my husband, family, and friends. How do you do it? What should I do? Right now the struggle is real.

One year!

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achievement

One year! I can hardly believe it. When I registered this blog a year ago I would never have thought I would be here. I have almost 80 followers which doesn’t seem like a lot but I didn’t think that people would want to hear what I had to say, especially because I was talking about God. My start was bumpy. I registered this site in June but I didn’t do my first post until October.  I was scared. I was following what God told me to do but I was moving really slow about it. I wanted it to be perfect, I wanted to have 10 posts before I went live. So many things now, I realize didn’t matter.

 

I write because it makes me feel good. I write because it helps me get all the things that are inside my head out and on to paper. When I write I feel closer to God. I started this blog because I know this crazy journey I have been on wasn’t just for me. I am happy that it has helped and inspired people. I am proud of myself because this blog has helped me more than it has probably helped anybody. Self examination and growth is hard. Like real hard. Putting the wild things you think on paper for people to judge is also hard. I never wanted to be judged by things I wrote because I probably already judged myself harder than any random person could. I know I could be doing things better, responding better, living better. I see people going through harder trials then me with a smile on their face every day.

I am working on it. I am proud of the woman I am becoming. I don’t know everything and I no longer feel like I have to pretend I do. That is a big deal. I am getting people to reflect on their behavior, which is great. It is the thing I want to do the most, is help people be the best versions of themselves.

Keep reading, keep following, keep supporting. I am so appreciative. I hope you are getting something out of these words. I am excited for what the next blogging year will bring.

Yours in writing,

Dominique

May wrap up

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I saw this post on Instagram and it hit me like a ton of bricks. May was an interesting month, my motivation was all over the place, home life was crazy in a good way. I did a lot of volunteering at the church with the food pantry which I really enjoy. All that leads to me slacking on my writing.

The good news is that I, I saw it coming and have been writing like crazy so I will back on my regular posting schedule in June. I am going to be out of the country for a week in June and traveling for work for a week so I am going to try and schedule some posts out.

My biggest problem is that I write when I feel like it. If I want to take this as far as it can go I can’t be mediocre about reaching my goals. In my work life I go hard All the time so sometimes it’s hard to come home and work a hobby as hard. I really enjoy it though so I just have to put in more time. I wanted my writing to be natural and organic. Some structure is not going to kill me nor is being more disciplined.

I know I seem wishy washy but I’m not. I’m just feeling things out. All this is very new to me, a year ago when I bought this domain I never thought I would be here. I am just trying to figure this out. I look forward to June and all the cool things I’m writing and the adventures I am going to have. Anybody have anything fun plans happening this summer? I am also going to see Beyonce and Jay Z this summer which will be amazing!!!

Not in crisis

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I felt like at the beginning of the year I was always talking to God about something and he was talking to me. I felt like there were some things he wanted me to work on and I was definitely going through a pruning phase. I do not feel like that now. I don’t know if the devil is messing with me because things are going really well. I have still been doing all the things I normally do for the most part. I was sick all last week, so I didn’t do much reading or writing because it physically hurt to do so. I have caught up on my Bible in a year plan. Thankfully I wasn’t too far behind. Something seems like its missing though. Don’t get me wrong, nothing is wrong just something seems off. Things on paper are great but I feel distant from God.

I know as always that is not him that moved but me. I know that I have to be intentional about keeping the fire in our relationship going. I know also not to trust my feelings because feelings will lead you astray. I don’t want my relationship with God to be me moving from crisis to another. I want to continually feel his presence. If I think hard enough I am sure there are some things I am supposed to be doing that I have not done. Not many though. Thank goodness! I have been down that road before and it can be a miserable one. I also know I have been spending a lot of scrolling through Instagram. It was the only thing I could really do on the internet while I was sick. It was mindless and took no effort. I am going to make some tweaks and see how I feel next. My creative juices don’t seem to be flowing as much either which is why I haven’t been writing. I am going to write a separate post about that.

Do you ever feel just a little off? If you do, how did you get over it?

Awkward

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via Daily Prompt: Awkward

awkward-causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience

Why is everyone so scared to be awkward? Issa Rae had a book and YouTube series about being an Awkward Black Girl. (the language is pretty bad, but its also pretty funny) I can identify with some of how she felt. I don’t think I am super socially awkward but I am human, so I am sure I have my moments. I think a lot, so I make sure I avoid it at all costs. Sometimes I avoid being awkward so much that I let things linger that probably shouldn’t. How long is to long to not talk to someone? How long is too long to not hang out with them? There is no beef but so much time has passed it feels awkward to make the call.

chuck swindoll

My friends say you don’t have to explain your absence, people just want to be reached out, thought about. Which in theory makes sense, but that initial conversation, what if its weird? What if the person is mad? What if the magic is gone?

I wrote a while back about spiritual growth being about reacting differently to the same situation and I want to, but then the whole issue of being awkward comes up and I start to think is it worth it? Embarrassment is a hard thing to get over and vulnerability is too. How do you tell someone its not you, its me? Would they even accept that? Can we go back to being what we were before? Do we want too? Can you trust me again? They say time heals all wounds but I just don’t know about that.

time heals

I try to look at it if one of my friends came back to me after a long hiatus like hey whats up we should hang out. Would I be upset? Probably not, but things don’t necessarily bother me like they bother other people. I am going to take the plunge real soon and see how it goes. I have held this off for too long. God doesn’t want me holding on to anything. I could be blowing this situation up in my mind and making it worse than what it is. I won’t know until I pick up the phone. I will let you know my progress.

 

 

 

 

Writer’s block?

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I have read articles that say there is no such thing as writer’s block.

Writer’s block is a condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work, or experiences a creative slowdown. The condition ranges in difficulty from coming up with original ideas to being unable to produce a work for years.

This is the official definition. I certainly felt like I was in that space a few weeks ago. I think I am breaking out of it because lots of different ideas are coming and I can hear myself, “monologueing” in my head when I am supposed to be driving or paying attention in meetings or just doing other things in general. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I had not until recently considered myself a writer so I never asked anyone this before. I didn’t think I was creative either until I felt like all my ideas were stale and I didn’t have anything fresh to add to them.

writers block 1

What do you do when you get in this space? When I did a quick Google search on writer’s block, over 8.5 million items popped up in the search so I know I am not the only person that has this problem.

I read the cure is just write. Write about not writing, make a list, just do something in the written word. I didn’t feel creative though. I heard Solange Knowles say once it’s hard to write when she is happy. I feel like I am running into that problem. It’s a good problem to have don’t get me wrong but it feels odd. I am in a good space. Really good. Its weird, how terrible things were to how good they are now. I am not saying my life is perfect not by any means, I am just in a place where I am very content. I feel like God has worked on me quite a bit and my perspective on things has changed. I am slowly coming out of my cocoon.

People say that Mary J Blige albums weren’t as good once she got in a successful committed relationship. Unfortunately I think that is kind of true for her. I don’t want to be that way. How do I break that cycle? People seem to gravitate to the posts that are more problematic. I have some ideas that I will be blogging about. I never thought I would be in this place though. I had been holding back on my writing for so long I figured I would never run out of things to say.

spritual gifts 2

God gave me this gift and I don’t want to waste it. I also don’t want to force anything either. It is a very delicate balance. I am just going to take it one day at a time and not force myself to have quotas. I think feeling like I have to keep up with my blogging schedule adds a lot of pressure and takes away from the writing process. Being concerned with followers and likes, takes away from the creative process as well. I know I don’t write for likes. I write because I need to get the words out of my head. I want people to like those words though.

spiritual gifts

I don’t think I have run out of things to say, it’s more my thought process has changed. I don’t think that is a bad thing. My blog may have to shift in focus somewhat.  We will see. I appreciate you not quitting on me while I try to figure this out.

https://goinswriter.com/how-to-overcome-writers-block/ This article has some really good suggestions.

What is your cure for writers block? Do you believe that it is a real thing? What inspires you to write?

 

 

 

Sick!

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May started out on such a high note. I got a raise at work! Totally unexpected, mini anniversary trip planned for this weekend, but then I got this horrible, respiratory infection which is like a cold on steroids and it has brought all my productivity to a halt. I am home sick today. I have been sick for 5 days! Which I hear isn’t that long but its too long for me. I am taking some super meds which has stopped my coughing and running nose but nothing is giving me energy. I feel like a slug or a sloth. I barely able to keep my fingers moving to type this post but I am tired of laying on my couch watching Netflix. I couldn’t even read I was so sick. My eyes hurt too bad and the only thing  I could do was mindlessly skim through Instagram and look at everyone in their pretty MetGala outfits. I didn’t write this to complain. Things could be much worse so I am thankful.

Any suggestions on how I get my energy level back up? Anything good to watch on Netflix?