Broken- having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order
(of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.
I used to think I was broken using both definitions. That I was living a lie, that I was going out in the world and acting like everything was ok when it wasn’t. I felt like something inside of me was broken and could not be fixed. I had a hole in my heart that was irreparable. I tried a lot of this but nothing could fill it, not partying, not work, not my friends, not my husband, everything I was trying to do wasn’t working.
So in my last resort I turned to God. I’m glad I did. I learned I’m not broken. God made me this way. He has plans for me that are good. I didn’t always believe that or understand but I stayed in the word. It made a huge difference on my outlook in life. There is beauty in my brokenness. I wouldn’t have grown in my relationship with God if I wasn’t broken. Everyday is practice in reminding myself that I have to meet no one expectations but my own.
If you feel broken just know you don’t have to stay that way. There is a way out. You won’t be able to do it on your own, not long lasting. Getting out of your head and closer to God is the only long term solution and potentially seeing a therapist.
Updated: since I wrote the above words Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have both committed suicide. This has sparked debate about what role does prayer and God specifically play in mental health. I think that God is our first resource in working on our mental health. Getting into your bible, prayer, fasting, meditating, it’s all an important part of the healing process. We can’t do it on our own and believing you can may be a fatal mistake. You need tools to overcome things you have been through. Seek help if you need it.
awkward-causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience
Why is everyone so scared to be awkward? Issa Rae had a book and YouTube series about being an Awkward Black Girl. (the language is pretty bad, but its also pretty funny) I can identify with some of how she felt. I don’t think I am super socially awkward but I am human, so I am sure I have my moments. I think a lot, so I make sure I avoid it at all costs. Sometimes I avoid being awkward so much that I let things linger that probably shouldn’t. How long is to long to not talk to someone? How long is too long to not hang out with them? There is no beef but so much time has passed it feels awkward to make the call.
My friends say you don’t have to explain your absence, people just want to be reached out, thought about. Which in theory makes sense, but that initial conversation, what if its weird? What if the person is mad? What if the magic is gone?
I wrote a while back about spiritual growth being about reacting differently to the same situation and I want to, but then the whole issue of being awkward comes up and I start to think is it worth it? Embarrassment is a hard thing to get over and vulnerability is too. How do you tell someone its not you, its me? Would they even accept that? Can we go back to being what we were before? Do we want too? Can you trust me again? They say time heals all wounds but I just don’t know about that.
I try to look at it if one of my friends came back to me after a long hiatus like hey whats up we should hang out. Would I be upset? Probably not, but things don’t necessarily bother me like they bother other people. I am going to take the plunge real soon and see how it goes. I have held this off for too long. God doesn’t want me holding on to anything. I could be blowing this situation up in my mind and making it worse than what it is. I won’t know until I pick up the phone. I will let you know my progress.
Evildoers is harsher than what I’m thinking however, I’m not excluding anyone. People who cut corners, people who step on other people to get to the top, people who don’t geniuninely deserve the good things they are getting. I am talking about them. Its hard to watch people who just skate by in life get things when you work super hard and don’t get anything. It just doesn’t seem fair.
Looking on social media, you see people get famous for doing nothing, while you have been working your tail off and nobody know’s your name. Don’t feel discouraged. It won’t last though. When you rise fast, sometimes you crash fast as well.
Roots have to be established and when things happen too quickly you can’t set down any roots. Overcoming adversity is what helps you when trouble comes. Trouble will come and those people who are winning won’t be prepared.
God is allowing to them prosper for a little while but it won’t last. Continue to work hard. Hard work will last, not scheming and getting over,so don’t get discouraged.
Thwart-prevent someone from accomplishing something
Have you unconsciously thwarted someone when they shared their dream with you? You may not have said the words, you can’t do this, but your facial expression, your tone, the questions you asked them may show that you don’t believe in what they are trying to do.
Did you disregard someone’s dream? Did you think it was ridiculous? I know we are not supposed to be concerned with what other people think but we are human. We someone close to you makes a disparaging comment it sticks. I told my friend once I wanted to write a book and she looked at me and said, “You want to write a book?” It was how she asked me, like what makes you think you can write a book. I don’t think she meant any malice behind it but it still hurt me.
Its one thing to have someone be realistic, but its another to be a dream killer. Its not anyone else’s responsibility to tell someone they need to get themselves together when they are still in the planning stages. People sometimes just want to say the words out loud. They are not asking for your opinion. Be mindful of how you treat your friends, your family, your colleagues. If they felt comfortable enough to share something so important, the least you can do is offer a little encouragement. If it isn’t going to work, they will eventually find out on their own, they don’t need that push from you.
Explore-travel in or through (an unfamiliar country or area) in order to learn about or familiarize oneself with it.
I was talking to a friend today. We haven’t talked in a while so of course we went through all the catching up stuff. I typically kind of freeze up at this point because I don’t have anything “new” to report. I give the typical answers of, I’m good, just living life. This time, I gave a different response. I said, I am making internal changes. Nothing that may be seen on outside but on the inside its huge. I am exploring myself, searching out new possibilities and it feels good. I wouldn’t normally tell someone that because there is no tangible evidence for this kind of expedition. The results of my exploring only matter to me and that is ok. It is not about anyone else.
I am on spring break this week. It has been great. Nobody else I know is off this week and the weather has been pretty icky so it has been a great week for reflection and exploration. I have really been able to talk to God and listen to what he has to say. I was getting close to a burn out. March was a pretty rough month. God is always on time though. This break came at the perfect time. These three days were just what I needed to recharge my batteries. I will explore more this month about being intentional, what to do when you are feeling burned out and how to respond when it feels like the “wicked” are winning. National Infertility Awareness week is this month and I will talk about that a bit as well.
I am excited to move into a new month and new season. The first quarter of the year is over but there is always time to get things done that we want to accomplish. I am looking forward to what the next three months will bring.
Inefficient-not achieving maximum productivity; wasting or failing to make the best use of time or resources.
Often times I think about the dreams and goals that I have and want to accomplish and I feel inefficient. I certainly don’t feel like I am making the best use of my time or resources. I have two degrees that I do not really use and I’m starting to to get the itch that I want to do something else. Am I qualified? Sometimes I think so, but other days not so much. I am debating on if I want to get an Ed.d, which is a doctorate in education because that is what I have been doing for the last 10+ years but I don’t know. I know to make any real money or move up, a terminal degree would be nice but I want a job that is bigger than money. Do I want to do something totally different? I didn’t get into my field to make a lot of money but I want to be comfortable. I don’t want to put all the financial heavy lifting to my husband. I have two degrees, I want to pull my own weight.
When I got my master’s there wasn’t a lot of asking God or contemplating. I did a little research, asked the higher ups around me and did it. I want to put a little more thought and time into my choice this time around. I don’t think having more formal education is what makes feel inefficient. I have to remind myself that his grace is sufficient. He is strong when I am weak.
I probably feel this way because what I really want to do I have no formal training at all. I want to be a writer. I want to write books that will be read all over the world and be referenced for years to come. I can’t really imagine that happening in my wildest dreams. Why not? I haven’t even tried yet and I am already talking myself out of it. Nobody can make me feel inefficient but me. I know it won’t be easy but if I take one step, God will take two. I was not made to be inefficient or mediocre. I was created for his purpose. There is something inside of me that is waiting to be revealed and the only person that can stop me from reaching my full potential is me.
Patience-the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.
I haven’t really been writing this week because it’s been a pretty crappy week to say the least. It sucks but it happens. I spent time with my girls this weekend in a quick getaway which lifted my spirits a bit.
I saw the prompt of the day was Patience. Sheesh! I immediately felt that in my spirit and then the verse of the day from the Youverse bible is about patience.
I’m like ok God I get it. I’m working on it. I just feel like I’m always having to be patient. I’m listening to my girl Joyce (Meyer) and she said something that really struck me. Don’t try harder, get closer to God.
In bible study this week, Beth Moore talked about different types of patience.Patience with situations and patience with people. I find I moreso need patience with circumstances than people but Beth brought up a good point. God is testing your patience with people because he wants to bring something out of you that is holding you back from greatness.
God gives us patience in circumstances to see if we are going to act differently in the same situation. This really got me thinking. I don’t always act differently in the same situations. I am making more of an effort to do so after hearing this lesson.
I don’t want to keep going around the same mountain over and over. I want patience to do a good work in me until it is complete. Philippians 1:6.
Patience is definitely a challenge but there is good reason to wait well. I’m going to stop trying so hard to be patient and seek God more. That way, I am so focused on him that patience is my natural response things.
Uncompromising-showing an unwillingness to make concessions to others, especially by changing one’s ways or opinions
I haven’t been blogging long I definitely don’t consider myself an expert. I just want to be a moral compass that is being drowned out in the Instagram society that we live in today. I had a blog post all ready to go but I hesitated about posting it. It was controversial and I had concerns about how it would be perceived. I asked my husband and he agreed. I may not get the response that I was looking for. So I decided not to post it right now.
I questioned myself though. Sometimes when you have an opinion that’s not with the majority people may not like it. I’m not taking my thoughts and imposing them on anyone. I didn’t make the standard, God did. If I want to continue to be a person that helps people grow, I have to be uncompromising in my beliefs. Easier said than done though. I don’t want to alienate my readers. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad or condemn them. I also have to draw the line in caring what people think. It is a delicate balance. I heard no matter what you do, you will always get 10% of people who don’t agree.
It’s bigger than the post though. It’s hard to have an opinion that in conflict with the world. People start calling you a prude and all kinds of stuff. You start to be left out of things. I know I walk the line between advice giving and being judgmental, at least it is perceived that way. In real life I don’t really care what people do. You have to live with choices you made not me. I’m probably not doing a good job of conveying that though. Which is why when my friend asked me advice I told her what the word says, flee from temptation. However when our other friend told her to do the opposite I walked back a little of what I said. Why? I guess I still wanted to be a part of the group. I didn’t want to be seen as this uber conservative person because I’m not. I just want people to use better judgement when they make decisions and think of the consequences before they do things not after.
It’s scary to be the minority opinion all the time. If your thought process has been in constant difference to the people around you do you need to hang out with different people? Some people would say probably. I think diversity is good though. We all shouldn’t look at the world the same way. We also should be open to different points of view. I am not always right. I don’t always take my own advice or receptive to others people’s advice. I’m trying though.
I’m trying to be 100% Authentic on this blog though and in life. Which is difficult, because its risky. I will continue to do my best and take other opinions into consideration but not too much.
No eye has seen, no ear has heard and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him. 1 Corinthians 2:9
Do you ever let your Imagination run wild? Do you meditate on the awesome things God can do you in your life? Do you stop yourself because the goal is to big, to lofty, it makes no sense right now? God doesn’t think that way. He just wants us to ask him. We have not because we ask not. (James 4:2-3) He knows what you want already, before we put it out there. When we are children we are encouraged to use our imagination, however as we become adults we are told to be realistic. The great thing about God is that he doesn’t want us to be realistic. He wants us to dream big! (Matthew 7:7-12)
Don’t let life weight you down. Give your dreams to God. He wants to bless you. (2 Corinthians 9:8) He wants to see you win, you just have to be willing to be obedient and to trust him.
Check out this sermon from Rick Warren. He knows about using your imagination and dreaming big.
Are you conversant with the character of God? As I work on my spiritual growth and move from just being saved but actually becoming the person that God wanted me to be when he knit me in my mothers womb, I have been studying God’s character. I often worry about disappointing God or sliding back into bad character habits. God reminded of one aspect of his character that I hadn’t given a lot of thought too. Mercy. The lord is merciful in the ways he deals with us. He is slow to anger and merciful. (Psalm 103:8) He doesn’t punish us for all our sins. He isn’t going to come in snatch everything away from me if I make a mistake. He sees my heart and knows my intentions. (1 Chronicles 28:9) I have a great cloud witnesses in heaven that are cheering me on and wanting me to do well. (Hebrews 12:1)
Psalm 103 is great for getting more information about the character of God.
He forgives all my sins
Heals all my diseases
He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies
Fills me with good things
He won’t constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever
Action: Go back and read this Psalm in its entirety. Knowing the character of God allows us to remember the most important thing about our relationship with Him. He loves us, he wants us to win. He is not nearly as hard on us as we are on ourselves.