having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order
(of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.
I used to think I was broken using both definitions. That I was living a lie, that I was going out in the world and acting like everything was ok when it wasn’t. I felt like something inside of me was broken and could not be fixed. I had a hole in my heart that was irreparable. I tried a lot of this but nothing could fill it, not partying, not work, not my friends, not my husband, everything I was trying to do wasn’t working.
So in my last resort I turned to God. I’m glad I did. I learned I’m not broken. God made me this way. He has plans for me that are good. I didn’t always believe that or understand but I stayed in the word. It made a huge difference on my outlook in life. There is beauty in my brokenness. I wouldn’t have grown in my relationship with God if I wasn’t broken. Everyday is practice in reminding myself that I have to meet no one expectations but my own.
If you feel broken just know you don’t have to stay that way. There is a way out. You won’t be able to do it on your own, not long lasting. Getting out of your head and closer to God is the only long term solution and potentially seeing a therapist.
Updated: since I wrote the above words Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have both committed suicide. This has sparked debate about what role does prayer and God specifically play in mental health. I think that God is our first resource in working on our mental health. Getting into your bible, prayer, fasting, meditating, it’s all an important part of the healing process. We can’t do it on our own and believing you can may be a fatal mistake. You need tools to overcome things you have been through. Seek help if you need it.
I’m an enigma. I can’t be put in a box. I know at some point I may need to make a choice but right now I’m just living the best way I can. I may listen to a Joyce Meyer podcast on the way to work, gospel on my Pandora during work and ride home to Cardi B. I am going on vacation with my girls next weekend. I will be probably go to a few night clubs and have a few adult beverages. Some would say that isn’t appropriate. I disagree. I won’t be scantily clad, grinding on strangers, or overly intoxicated. I like going to parties every now and again. I also think you can relate to other people when you understand the things they like. My bible study group went to see Jumanji and were able to point out the way God moved in the movie. I didn’t notice any of that when I was watching but I don’t think they were reaching. When your mind is always on God you see him in everything.
I can identify with people because I have been where they been. Jesus ate with tax collectors, and all kind of non conventional people. I know you we are supposed to be separated from the world but it’s just not something I can do 100%. Not right now anyway. If I can tell a college kid I went to the club on Saturday night and then went to church and Sunday school the next day they will know they can too.
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything.
1 Corinthians 6:12 NIV
I wrote the words above Before I went on vacation. Now that I’m back I’m not sure how I feel. I know I will probably go to the club again and drink alcohol. I think I’m at the end of an era. I was at a women’s retreat this weekend and I asked should Christians go out and most of the women there said yes that it was perfectly ok. They said be cautious because you don’t want to be a stumbling block but the souls you could be saving are more important. I don’t disagree. One woman said she has lost the taste to go out. I think I’m losing my taste for it as well. I don’t know. Part of me feels like it’s a cop out because I’m over 30, I should be partying less. Another part of me doesn’t want to leave my old life behind. The entire basis of spiritual growth is being transformed. I’m more like slowly weaning myself off. I have to ask the question am I still holding on because of other people or is it because of me? I don’t want to shut the door completely, more like cut back some more. Like birthdays and special occasions only. Maybe it’s just this season in my life. It’s about to be summer so party season will soon be upon us.
I am going to take it one event at a time. The other ladies felt pretty casual about the entire thing. I didn’t feel convicted, so this isn’t a strong pull but maybe like I didn’t belong there. I don’t know. I will probably go to a few more parties just to be sure I didn’t misunderstand my feelings.