Being pregnant

I know I was pretty casual about announcing my pregnancy. I have been that way the entire time. People always think its really funny. I am not trying to downplay anything. I don’t I have been this happy and overwhelmed at the same time in my life. The only other time I can think of is when I was planning my wedding.

One of my bfs said that I am acting way differently then she thought I would about this pregnancy. I am not sure at all what that means. I’m going to ask her before I post this so I can have an answer for all of us. UPDATE:  Still don’t have an answer to this. It will be in the part 2.

When I first found out I was pregnant it literally came out of nowhere. I went to the doctor in August to get some testing done, because I wanted to start trying again. The news I received was not encouraging. The doctor told me that there was no change from last year and that I probably would not be able to get pregnant without the help of fertility drugs. This was two days before my birthday, September 11. I left the doctor feeling pretty bummed but I was going to Toronto for my birthday that weekend so I rescinded to not be bitter. I told the doctor I didn’t want to go the fertility drug route, so even though she wrote me a prescription for Clomid, I never got it filled. A direct quote from my journal….

TMI alert:

We got back from our trip (which was sooo much fun) and life moved on. Fast forward its the first week of October and my period is late. I didn’t think that much of it because I have had false alarms before. Took at test after about a week that was inconclusive. I continued to party and have a good time. Hence my I extended my summer vacation post. Still nothing after another week, so I take another test. Its positive!!

I didn’t think it was real. I thought I had a false positive. I think I walked around the entire first trimester in a state of disbelief. I was sick and felt awful but that was the only evidence I was pregnant. I lost 7lbs, it was not good. I believed God gave me this blessing but I just was so worried that I definitely didn’t enjoy the experience.

I wrote all that to say, its an odd place to be to be pregnant when it took so long to get there. For it to happen out of nowhere still blows my mind. I never doubted it would happen, I just thought it would take a few months, maybe at the end of the year or something.

UPDATE: There will definitely be a Part Two. I have a lot more to say about this subject it ended up getting posted before I was finished. Stay tuned.

Stream of consciousness (22)

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “T, tea, tee.” Theme your post around “tea” or “tee,” or find a word that starts with “T” and talk about that. Bonus points if you manage to incorporate all three. Enjoy!

Since I am not allowed to plan out what I am going to say, the first word I think of when I think of T is time. I didn’t want it to be time because I feel like I do a lot of thinking about time. My pastor says the thing that you think about the most is what your focus is on. I wish my focus wasn’t on time so much. I want to be able to live a normal life, drink tea with my friends, or maybe even go play a little tee ball with my coworkers. I do most of those things more or less, but when I start digging down deep into my feelings, the first thing that comes up is this baby or lack there of. How long must I wait? How much more time needs to pass before it happens? What else do I need to do? I want my first thought not to be about getting pregnant. I want my first thought to be about something random like the cost of white tees at Target. Or does Flattummy tea really work? I don’t know. I just don’t want to be so pressed. I can’t help it though. This feeling of desperation that I am running out of time, is constantly in my thoughts. I probably think too much. That’s the real problem.

This is from lindaghill.com and this is my first Stream of Consciousness  https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/38812713/posts/11582

 

Here are the rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing (typos can be fixed), and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. I will post the prompt here on my blog every Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” “Begin with the word ‘The,’” or will simply be a single word to get you started.

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours.  Your link will show up in my comments for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top. NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, such as Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read all of them! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later or go to the previous week by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find below the “Like” button on my post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. As a suggestion, tag your post “SoCS” and/or “#SoCS” for more exposure and more views.

It’s not you, its me

Such a cliche right? I know but cliches are well known for a reason. It definitely fits my situation.

I have been pretty M.I.A most of the winter and spring. I usually hideout during the winter just because it’s cold and get over that post holiday hump but this year was different.

So many people had awesome things going on around me, new babies, new jobs, new houses and we didn’t have anything new happening. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing or surprising. We have been cruising in a good space for a while, we have found a good rhythm. Its hard to admit you are jealous or envious of your friends or family or coworkers. I don’t want to use the word envious or jealous because those are usually described as negative emotions. It’s more I’m happy for you and sad for me. Nobody wants that kind of energy at their birthday party, housewarming, BBQ, etc. I never want to be a Debbie Downee when I go somewhere so I just decided to stay away. That probably wasnt the best way to do it but hey we do what we know.

I know somebody who has had to watch other people around her have kids for years and she has been nothing but supportive. She is older than me so maybe it takes years to grow to that level of maturity. I admire that because I definitely couldn’t do it. I am not there yet but I’m working on it. God is making it more and more uncomfortable to be in this box. I haven’t been to a baby shower in years but now the people having babies are getting closer and closer to me. No choice but to go. I’m also trying to grow. I know I should be doing better, it is just hard.

The next time you haven’t heard from someone you care about in a while, reach out. I appreciate all the invites I got even though I wasn’t going.

The biggest reason now that’s holding me back from jumping back into the fray of where I used to hang out is because I don’t want to explain what I have been doing or why I wasn’t around.

That’s probably selfish of me. Would you feel like you wanted an explanation? Would you accept its not you, it’s me?

Broken

 

Broken-
having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order 

(of a person) having given up all hope; despairing.

I used to think I was broken using both definitions. That I was living a lie, that I was going out in the world and acting like everything was ok when it wasn’t. I felt like something inside of me was broken and could not be fixed. I had a hole in my heart that was irreparable. I tried a lot of this but nothing could fill it, not partying, not work, not my friends, not my husband, everything I was trying to do wasn’t working.

So in my last resort I turned to God. I’m glad I did. I learned I’m not broken. God made me this way. He has plans for me that are good. I didn’t always believe that or understand but I stayed in the word. It made a huge difference on my outlook in life. There is beauty in my brokenness. I wouldn’t have grown in my relationship with God if I wasn’t broken. Everyday is practice in reminding myself that I have to meet no one expectations but my own.

If you feel broken just know you don’t have to stay that way. There is a way out. You won’t be able to do it on your own, not long lasting. Getting out of your head and closer to God is the only long term solution and potentially seeing a therapist.

Updated: since I wrote the above words Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain have both committed suicide. This has sparked debate about what role does prayer and God specifically play in mental health. I think that God is our first resource in working on our mental health. Getting into your bible, prayer, fasting, meditating, it’s all an important part of the healing process. We can’t do it on our own and believing you can may be a fatal mistake. You need tools to overcome things you have been through. Seek help if you need it.

Putting my suffering on display

I was in church today and the woman preached about the man in Mark 3:1-5, who had the shriveled hand but was healed on the Sabbath. She made several good points but the one that spoke to me the most was when she talked about Jesus making him come up to the front of the congregation before he healed him. Jesus could have healed him from anywhere, he didn’t even need to talk to the man and the healing would have been done. Why did he make him come to the front of the congregation? She said Jesus made him come to the front because exposure is necessary for victory. God wants to put our suffering on display so he can get the glory from the situation. He wants everyone to see it, so that people will know that it is him.

suffering peter

I have never been one to put my suffering on display. Not at first anyway. I usually suffer in silence. It doesn’t really work that well but its a trained habit. I usually put myself in a bubble, well hidden and insulated until I pull myself together and then I come back out, seemly refreshed, although not healed. God had been telling me to tell my story for years but I didn’t want to put my suffering on display. Most people know at this point about my fertility challenges but its still sometimes feels like a dirty secret.

suffering in silence

While I have been hiding out, people are still living their lives. Another one of my good friends is pregnant and this is a great thing. I am never not happy when someone gets pregnant, a baby is a blessing from God. I was sad for me, but the longer I go through this, the more I see this is not a good way to think either. When someone is sharing their good news, I shouldn’t even be thinking about me. I should be 100% celebrating with them. Joyce Meyer says a sign of spiritual growth is reacting differently to the same situation. This is the first time that I heard someone’s baby news and didn’t first think of myself.

I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. I don’t want people to feel like they can’t talk about their plans just because I am not making the same plans. That is not fair. I was mad at friend because she didn’t tell me when she told everyone else that she was pregnant. Everyone knew but me and that really hurt. She said she didn’t know how. I can understand that. Dealing with someone else’ s infertility can be challenging. I don’t know how I will feel about things. Someone texted me a picture of their positive pregnancy test and I really didn’t like that. Someone else texted me their sonogram pictures. I really didn’t like that either. They didn’t know that and I never told them. I probably never will. They were treating me like a normal person, I shouldn’t be mad. I don’t always feel normal but that isn’t their problem, its mine.

I have been trying to get the focus off of myself and on to other people but I still need to do more. I was so depressed at the beginning of the year. I didn’t know though and other people didn’t either. I didn’t realize I was depressed until I took a quiz a few weeks ago and by then I was over the hump.It was recommended by this podcast Therapy for black girls.(Its really good. You should check it out.) I wonder if I could have turned it around sooner if I had said something to someone?

e007ed55fc39732dbef879e549821f36--endometriosis-quotes-infertility-hurts

For all you women out there who are suffering from infertility issues know you don’t have to suffer in silence. Know that God has put a desire in you and he WILL fulfill it. Right now I am pregnant with possibilities, and I am ok with that. I have things that I was put here to do and I am no less a woman because I have not bared any children, YET. If I never birth my own child, I can live with that because I know God has a plan. A plan better than anything I can dream or imagine. I used to never want to say that because it felt like I was giving up hope. I know now that is not the case. It is relinquishing full control to him. I know that I can master any situation because I have winning member on my team, Jesus. I am so thankful, so grateful, that he takes care of me and will fulfill every desire he put in me.

Steps to refuel when you are running on empty

Read this post to see what led me to running on empty.

  1. Pray-I know this seems like an obvious solution but I really took some time to pour out my heart to God concerning how I felt. It wasn’t a quick 15 minute devotional. I wanted him to know exactly how I felt and even though he already knew, writing it down and getting it out, I did feel better.
  2. Listened to different sermons-I listened to different sermons about what to do when your cup is empty or you feel like you are running on E. John Gray, TD Jakes, and Rick Warren to name a few.
  3. I did things that I like to do-I read books, hung out with my friends.
  4. I changed my thought process-I read a lot about how God loves me and has a plan for me. I know these things to be true, but when you feel like God is withholding something from you, you don’t always see that love. Reading those verses really renewed my spirit.
  5. I got myself off my mind-I have been volunteering in the food pantry and at the day care at church.

I feel much better. I am so thankful that I had time to really unplug from everyone and plug into God. I decided to run towards him. He is truly a God of comfort. I appreciate that. I hope that I won;t get back in this spot again. I am also debating about a therapist. I have even called a few but none seem to be working out. I don’t really want to see a therapist but I don’t know if I have tools to take myself to the next level. I’m working on it. Only time will truly tell.

Confession: I didn’t take my own advice

Backsliding can be more subtle than I thought. I originally wrote about backsliding a while back and talked about not getting down on yourself when you do it. The post also mentioned recognizing your triggers so you will be less tempted. It all makes sense. However what if you are moving so slowly back you don’t even notice at first? I foolishly equated backsliding to a one time act, things that are easy to recognize and fix. Unfortunately this is not always the case, other types of backsliding are more subtle.

This article talks about four different types of backsliding.

I knew that something was wrong but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. That’s what made me research condemnation vs. conviction. I thought maybe the devil was messing with my head. I thought maybe I was not pleasing God in some way. So I asked him what did he want me to do. God told me all I needed to do was love him with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind. I had all this information but still something wasn’t right.

i-cant-quite-put-my-finger-on-what-is-missing-5c993

In the background of all this, work was crazy, I was not sleeping through the night and quality time with my husband was suffering.

I went back and read my journal entries to try and see what was wrong. Where did the subtle shift start happening? Way back in February. Pretty much when Lent started. This 40 day’s has definitely been rough.

I didn’t realize all these little separate events were pulling me away from God because I was still more or less doing my normal routine. My husband called it to my attention that backsliding was happening. My spirit knew something was happening but flesh just couldn’t get it together.

Why? I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t have it all together. I didn’t want to admit, I was encouraging others but couldn’t encourage myself. I thought I was over some hurts but I’m clearly not. Calling something by name makes it real and means you have to deal with it. Proverbs  30:15-16 says four things on Earth will always be unsatisfied and one of those is a barren woman.

Now I strongly believe that God will bless us with a baby of our own. I do. I don’t know when though. That is hard and all the things I chosen to distract myself with aren’t working. They work for a little while but when is always in the back of my mind.

I got tired off doing good because I didn’t see the reward. I didn’t want to admit it because I know I am not supposed to feel that way.

brink of victory

Unfortunately this is where I’m at. I don’t feel like I am on the brink of victory. I can’t stay in this space. What do I do? What do you do if this is where you are?

I wrote this a few weeks ago and thankfully I did come up with a few solutions. I will post that tomorrow. I didn’t want this post to get to long.