Not in crisis

I felt like at the beginning of the year I was always talking to God about something and he was talking to me. I felt like there were some things he wanted me to work on and I was definitely going through a pruning phase. I do not feel like that now. I don’t know if the devil is messing with me because things are going really well. I have still been doing all the things I normally do for the most part. I was sick all last week, so I didn’t do much reading or writing because it physically hurt to do so. I have caught up on my Bible in a year plan. Thankfully I wasn’t too far behind. Something seems like its missing though. Don’t get me wrong, nothing is wrong just something seems off. Things on paper are great but I feel distant from God.

I know as always that is not him that moved but me. I know that I have to be intentional about keeping the fire in our relationship going. I know also not to trust my feelings because feelings will lead you astray. I don’t want my relationship with God to be me moving from crisis to another. I want to continually feel his presence. If I think hard enough I am sure there are some things I am supposed to be doing that I have not done. Not many though. Thank goodness! I have been down that road before and it can be a miserable one. I also know I have been spending a lot of scrolling through Instagram. It was the only thing I could really do on the internet while I was sick. It was mindless and took no effort. I am going to make some tweaks and see how I feel next. My creative juices don’t seem to be flowing as much either which is why I haven’t been writing. I am going to write a separate post about that.

Do you ever feel just a little off? If you do, how did you get over it?

Awkward

via Daily Prompt: Awkward

awkward-causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience

Why is everyone so scared to be awkward? Issa Rae had a book and YouTube series about being an Awkward Black Girl. (the language is pretty bad, but its also pretty funny) I can identify with some of how she felt. I don’t think I am super socially awkward but I am human, so I am sure I have my moments. I think a lot, so I make sure I avoid it at all costs. Sometimes I avoid being awkward so much that I let things linger that probably shouldn’t. How long is to long to not talk to someone? How long is too long to not hang out with them? There is no beef but so much time has passed it feels awkward to make the call.

chuck swindoll

My friends say you don’t have to explain your absence, people just want to be reached out, thought about. Which in theory makes sense, but that initial conversation, what if its weird? What if the person is mad? What if the magic is gone?

I wrote a while back about spiritual growth being about reacting differently to the same situation and I want to, but then the whole issue of being awkward comes up and I start to think is it worth it? Embarrassment is a hard thing to get over and vulnerability is too. How do you tell someone its not you, its me? Would they even accept that? Can we go back to being what we were before? Do we want too? Can you trust me again? They say time heals all wounds but I just don’t know about that.

time heals

I try to look at it if one of my friends came back to me after a long hiatus like hey whats up we should hang out. Would I be upset? Probably not, but things don’t necessarily bother me like they bother other people. I am going to take the plunge real soon and see how it goes. I have held this off for too long. God doesn’t want me holding on to anything. I could be blowing this situation up in my mind and making it worse than what it is. I won’t know until I pick up the phone. I will let you know my progress.

 

 

 

 

Writer’s block?

I have read articles that say there is no such thing as writer’s block.

Writer’s block is a condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work, or experiences a creative slowdown. The condition ranges in difficulty from coming up with original ideas to being unable to produce a work for years.

This is the official definition. I certainly felt like I was in that space a few weeks ago. I think I am breaking out of it because lots of different ideas are coming and I can hear myself, “monologueing” in my head when I am supposed to be driving or paying attention in meetings or just doing other things in general. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I had not until recently considered myself a writer so I never asked anyone this before. I didn’t think I was creative either until I felt like all my ideas were stale and I didn’t have anything fresh to add to them.

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What do you do when you get in this space? When I did a quick Google search on writer’s block, over 8.5 million items popped up in the search so I know I am not the only person that has this problem.

I read the cure is just write. Write about not writing, make a list, just do something in the written word. I didn’t feel creative though. I heard Solange Knowles say once it’s hard to write when she is happy. I feel like I am running into that problem. It’s a good problem to have don’t get me wrong but it feels odd. I am in a good space. Really good. Its weird, how terrible things were to how good they are now. I am not saying my life is perfect not by any means, I am just in a place where I am very content. I feel like God has worked on me quite a bit and my perspective on things has changed. I am slowly coming out of my cocoon.

People say that Mary J Blige albums weren’t as good once she got in a successful committed relationship. Unfortunately I think that is kind of true for her. I don’t want to be that way. How do I break that cycle? People seem to gravitate to the posts that are more problematic. I have some ideas that I will be blogging about. I never thought I would be in this place though. I had been holding back on my writing for so long I figured I would never run out of things to say.

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God gave me this gift and I don’t want to waste it. I also don’t want to force anything either. It is a very delicate balance. I am just going to take it one day at a time and not force myself to have quotas. I think feeling like I have to keep up with my blogging schedule adds a lot of pressure and takes away from the writing process. Being concerned with followers and likes, takes away from the creative process as well. I know I don’t write for likes. I write because I need to get the words out of my head. I want people to like those words though.

spiritual gifts

I don’t think I have run out of things to say, it’s more my thought process has changed. I don’t think that is a bad thing. My blog may have to shift in focus somewhat.  We will see. I appreciate you not quitting on me while I try to figure this out.

https://goinswriter.com/how-to-overcome-writers-block/ This article has some really good suggestions.

What is your cure for writers block? Do you believe that it is a real thing? What inspires you to write?

 

 

 

Sick!

May started out on such a high note. I got a raise at work! Totally unexpected, mini anniversary trip planned for this weekend, but then I got this horrible, respiratory infection which is like a cold on steroids and it has brought all my productivity to a halt. I am home sick today. I have been sick for 5 days! Which I hear isn’t that long but its too long for me. I am taking some super meds which has stopped my coughing and running nose but nothing is giving me energy. I feel like a slug or a sloth. I barely able to keep my fingers moving to type this post but I am tired of laying on my couch watching Netflix. I couldn’t even read I was so sick. My eyes hurt too bad and the only thing  I could do was mindlessly skim through Instagram and look at everyone in their pretty MetGala outfits. I didn’t write this to complain. Things could be much worse so I am thankful.

Any suggestions on how I get my energy level back up? Anything good to watch on Netflix?

What should a Christian do?

I’m an enigma. I can’t be put in a box. I know at some point I may need to make a choice but right now I’m just living the best way I can. I may listen to a Joyce Meyer podcast on the way to work, gospel on my Pandora during work and ride home to Cardi B. I am going on vacation with my girls next weekend. I will be probably go to a few night clubs and have a few adult beverages. Some would say that isn’t appropriate. I disagree. I won’t be scantily clad, grinding on strangers, or overly intoxicated. I like going to parties every now and again. I also think you can relate to other people when you understand the things they like. My bible study group went to see Jumanji and were able to point out the way God moved in the movie. I didn’t notice any of that when I was watching but I don’t think they were reaching. When your mind is always on God you see him in everything.

I can identify with people because I have been where they been. Jesus ate with tax collectors, and all kind of non conventional people. I know you we are supposed to be separated from the world but it’s just not something I can do 100%. Not right now anyway. If I can tell a college kid I went to the club on Saturday night and then went to church and Sunday school the next day they will know they can too.

“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything.
1 Corinthians 6:12 NIV
http://bible.com/111/1co.6.12.NIV

I wrote the words above Before I went on vacation. Now that I’m back I’m not sure how I feel. I know I will probably go to the club again and drink alcohol. I think I’m at the end of an era. I was at a women’s retreat this weekend and I asked should Christians go out and most of the women there said yes that it was perfectly ok. They said be cautious because you don’t want to be a stumbling block but the souls you could be saving are more important. I don’t disagree. One woman said she has lost the taste to go out. I think I’m losing my taste for it as well. I don’t know. Part of me feels like it’s a cop out because I’m over 30, I should be partying less. Another part of me doesn’t want to leave my old life behind. The entire basis of spiritual growth is being transformed. I’m more like slowly weaning myself off. I have to ask the question am I still holding on because of other people or is it because of me? I don’t want to shut the door completely, more like cut back some more. Like birthdays and special occasions only. Maybe it’s just this season in my life. It’s about to be summer so party season will soon be upon us.

I am going to take it one event at a time. The other ladies felt pretty casual about the entire thing. I didn’t feel convicted, so this isn’t a strong pull but maybe like I didn’t belong there. I don’t know. I will probably go to a few more parties just to be sure I didn’t misunderstand my feelings.

Brave Vessel

This weekend was the annual women’s retreat at my church. Even though I have been a member for over 10 years, this is the first one I have attended. I didn’t know what to expect and I was nervous about going. I went for a lot of reason but I didn’t really have any expectations. The theme for the weekend is Brave Vessel based on Proverbs 28:1.

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As I sit here and try to explain all the things going through my head, I can’t. I may still be too close to it since we just ended this afternoon and we still have the sermon to go tomorrow. I know I am tired from the lock-in the night before. I am just in awe of how God spoke to me that I need some time to unpack everything that I experienced.

Feeding my body garbage

I was feeding my soul with the word, while I was feeding my body with garbage.
I wrote a post a while back about feeding your soul. I am blessed that I have never had a weight problem. I basically eat what I want and only fluctuate between 5-10 lbs of my ideal weight. I didn’t think I ate that bad. I don’t eat a lot sweets, I love juice but I don’t drink it often anymore, I don’t eat bread really, not a lot of dairy, most of the bad habits people have I don’t have. I also don’t eat a lot of vegetables and I only exercise from end of April/May to at the latest Thanksgiving. I do enough to get in a two piece for my annual anniversary trip and cute summer outfits once summer is over I’m about done.

I have not been treating my body as my temple. I have good genes, no more no less. I thought because I looked ok on the outside I was ok on the inside. Duh! I should know bmmmbetter. I haven’t been to a primary care doctor in years. My mom finally made suggested (made) me go. Her doctor is a young black woman. I never had a black doctor before. She did my blood work and it was discovered I have pre-diabetes. How?! She tells me to limit sweets and complex carbs and I’m like I don’t eat sweets. Lol. I do eat carbs though. I LOVE pasta, rice, potatoes, noodles, white bread (toast), biscuits. I used to have a starch in all my meals as well as meats. I am known for my limited food options. I bragged for years about being a meatatarian. Foolish. I’m disappointed in myself because this isn’t hereditary, I caused it myself. I’ve been eating like a college student for years but I’m not in college anymore. I have no excuses, especially because my husband takes special care with his diet and works out All the time.

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I wrote the above words on April 7. I was pretty much in shock at this diagnosis. I didn’t really do any research though and I hadn’t told anyone. When I finally got out of my funk and I told my mom about it, I felt a lot better. She told that when they test your blood sugar levels it is only checked for the last 3 months. Well that makes a lot sense. I know I was eating terrible at the beginning of the year. This was a wake up call for me for sure. I have never really paid much attention to what I was eating or how I was living because I know I wasn’t doing bad things. That isn’t good enough. God tells us to take care of our temple.

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As I have gotten older, I realize how important it is to pay attention to what I am taking in figuratively and literally. I do not want to pass down bad habits to my children. I am glad I found out this information. I thank God that this is something that is reversible. I know I need to exercise on a more consistent basis, not just when its warm outside. I am getting myself together. It was just such a shock to my system. I wish I could learn lessons the easy way. I don’t seem to be one of those people though. I have to learn everything the hard way. I will keep you guys updated on my progress. Overhauling my diet will not be easy but it is certainly necessary.

Do you like vegetables? Do you eat organic? How would you rate your healthy habits? Leave your recipes for no carb dinners in the comments. I could use all the help I can get.