I have said before that going through something is harder when you are pretending everything is okay. Not only are you dealing with what happened, but you are also using energy to convince everyone around you that you are fine. You are fighting two battles: the actual pain and the pressure to hide it.

But I recently realized there is another layer to this.

Sometimes we stop pretending for other people but continue pretending with ourselves.

We finally tell someone, “I’m not okay.” We admit that something hurts. We pray about it, talk about it, or write it down. But internally, we are still resisting what we feel.

I shouldn’t be this sad.

I know God, so why am I still struggling?

I prayed about it. Why don’t I feel better yet?

We acknowledge the feeling with our mouths while internally demanding that it go away.

That is still a fight.

Recently, I had to be honest with myself about what I was feeling. I realized that it is easier for me to be mad than it is to be sad. Anger feels active. It gives me something to do, something to criticize, or someone to blame. Sadness makes me sit still and acknowledge that something hurts.

My initial thoughts were to pick a fight with my husband or find something negative to focus on at work. Neither of those things was the real issue. They would have just given my sadness somewhere else to go.

But before I went down that rabbit hole, I stopped myself.

No. That is not what this is really about. You are sad, and you do not want to be sad.

That recognition was growth.

I did not create another problem to avoid the original pain. I did not dress my sadness up as anger and hand it to someone else. I allowed sadness to be sadness.

Accepting what you feel is not the same as surrendering to it. Saying, “I am sad right now,” is not the same as saying, “I will always be sad.” Acknowledging an emotion does not mean building a home there. It means you stop arguing with what is already true long enough to understand it, process it, and allow God to meet you in it.

There is a progression to honesty.

First, we stop pretending for other people and admit, “I am not okay.”

Then we stop pretending with ourselves and admit, “I am sad, and I cannot rush myself out of it.”

Finally, we allow ourselves to feel the emotion without letting it control our behavior.

“The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
—Philippians 4:7 NIV

We often think peace that surpasses understanding means we will immediately stop feeling sad, worried, or overwhelmed. But perhaps peace does not always mean the feeling disappears. Sometimes peace means we stop fighting ourselves while we feel it.

Peace may sound like:

This still hurts, but I do not have to make it hurt more by judging myself.

I am sad, but I do not have to turn my sadness into anger.

I am struggling, but that does not mean God has abandoned me.

I can feel this without becoming this.

Maybe peace begins before the sadness leaves.

Maybe it begins when we stop demanding that the feeling leave before we are willing to acknowledge it. We do not have to bully ourselves into feeling better or manufacture anger to feel stronger. We can tell ourselves the truth, choose not to project our pain onto someone else, and give healing the time it requires.

Sometimes healing begins when we stop pretending with other people. Other times it begins when we stop arguing with ourselves about what we feel.

Either way, we can remove one of the battles by telling the truth: This hurts. I do not like it. But I do not have to fight myself while God walks me through it.

Until next time,

Dominique