Tag Archives: confusion

I thought I had a better plan

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By nature I am a planner. However when I get an idea in my head I jump.

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I immediately get into planner and execution mode. I pray but I don’t always wait for God to answer. I look for signs of what I want to do not necessarily what God wants me to do.

Earlier in quarantine I was feeling promptings from God but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it is. I thought I should start a podcast. So I immediately found a co-host.

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A girl at church that I know from leadership classes who is funny and smart, young but most definitely a bible scholar. We discussed names, themes, etc.  I even did research  on how to start a podcast but I wasn’t feeling quite right about but I didn’t know why.

In bible study we were studying Jonah and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought I knew better than God. If you are doing what God wants, there will be peace. God is not a God of confusion. 1 Corinthians 14:33   Jonah thought he knew better than God, that’s why he didn’t want to go Tarshish like God wanted him to. Jonah 1-2

Just like Saul in 1 Samuel 15. God told Saul to go kill everyone, leave nothing behind.  Saul thought he knew better and decided to save the king and all the best animals. He said he was going to give the best animals to God as a sacrifice. Sounds good, but that wasn’t his instruction from God.

I like this girl from church but I don’t know her that well. I didn’t know if we would vibe hosting a podcast.

Hip Hop Vibe GIF by FanmioDance Dancing GIF

I should have probably asked her to teach a Sunday school class with me first to see how we play off each other on a consistent basis. I should have done a lot of things differently but I wanted to start things right away. Its that microwave growth syndrome. I was supposed to call her a week later to discuss our research but I forgot, which isn’t like me at all. Forgetting to call her was a clear sign that I needed to rethink some things. It wasn’t meant to be right now. I know that because even though a podcast is a great idea and I am not opposed to doing one later, that isn’t what God told me to do. 

I know I you’re probably thinking that this isn’t that serious. What’s the big deal with starting a podcast? The big deal isn’t about the podcast. Its about not doing what God told me to do. Its thinking I knew more than God. 

Tv Land I Know Everything GIF by YoungerTV

I was really avoiding getting back into my blog. I can’t even say I had a good reason I was just scared. I was worried again about what people would think of me. I was worried that they would reject me the messenger because things I’ve done or things I have said. I am definitely not a holy roller. I felt having a co-host would take some of the heat off of me and my shortcomings.

I didn’t start the podcast instead I prayed. I asked God to give me strength and help me overcome my fear of what people think. Its always better to pray, first and move later.

all gifs from giphy.com

Resources

Jonah 1-2

1 Samuel 15

Not in crisis

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I felt like at the beginning of the year I was always talking to God about something and he was talking to me. I felt like there were some things he wanted me to work on and I was definitely going through a pruning phase. I do not feel like that now. I don’t know if the devil is messing with me because things are going really well. I have still been doing all the things I normally do for the most part. I was sick all last week, so I didn’t do much reading or writing because it physically hurt to do so. I have caught up on my Bible in a year plan. Thankfully I wasn’t too far behind. Something seems like its missing though. Don’t get me wrong, nothing is wrong just something seems off. Things on paper are great but I feel distant from God.

I know as always that is not him that moved but me. I know that I have to be intentional about keeping the fire in our relationship going. I know also not to trust my feelings because feelings will lead you astray. I don’t want my relationship with God to be me moving from crisis to another. I want to continually feel his presence. If I think hard enough I am sure there are some things I am supposed to be doing that I have not done. Not many though. Thank goodness! I have been down that road before and it can be a miserable one. I also know I have been spending a lot of scrolling through Instagram. It was the only thing I could really do on the internet while I was sick. It was mindless and took no effort. I am going to make some tweaks and see how I feel next. My creative juices don’t seem to be flowing as much either which is why I haven’t been writing. I am going to write a separate post about that.

Do you ever feel just a little off? If you do, how did you get over it?

Confession: I didn’t take my own advice

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Backsliding can be more subtle than I thought. I originally wrote about backsliding a while back and talked about not getting down on yourself when you do it. The post also mentioned recognizing your triggers so you will be less tempted. It all makes sense. However what if you are moving so slowly back you don’t even notice at first? I foolishly equated backsliding to a one time act, things that are easy to recognize and fix. Unfortunately this is not always the case, other types of backsliding are more subtle.

This article talks about four different types of backsliding.

I knew that something was wrong but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. That’s what made me research condemnation vs. conviction. I thought maybe the devil was messing with my head. I thought maybe I was not pleasing God in some way. So I asked him what did he want me to do. God told me all I needed to do was love him with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind. I had all this information but still something wasn’t right.

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In the background of all this, work was crazy, I was not sleeping through the night and quality time with my husband was suffering.

I went back and read my journal entries to try and see what was wrong. Where did the subtle shift start happening? Way back in February. Pretty much when Lent started. This 40 day’s has definitely been rough.

I didn’t realize all these little separate events were pulling me away from God because I was still more or less doing my normal routine. My husband called it to my attention that backsliding was happening. My spirit knew something was happening but flesh just couldn’t get it together.

Why? I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t have it all together. I didn’t want to admit, I was encouraging others but couldn’t encourage myself. I thought I was over some hurts but I’m clearly not. Calling something by name makes it real and means you have to deal with it. Proverbs  30:15-16 says four things on Earth will always be unsatisfied and one of those is a barren woman.

Now I strongly believe that God will bless us with a baby of our own. I do. I don’t know when though. That is hard and all the things I chosen to distract myself with aren’t working. They work for a little while but when is always in the back of my mind.

I got tired off doing good because I didn’t see the reward. I didn’t want to admit it because I know I am not supposed to feel that way.

brink of victory

Unfortunately this is where I’m at. I don’t feel like I am on the brink of victory. I can’t stay in this space. What do I do? What do you do if this is where you are?

I wrote this a few weeks ago and thankfully I did come up with a few solutions. I will post that tomorrow. I didn’t want this post to get to long.

Condemnation vs. Conviction

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Discerning the difference between conviction of the Holy Spirit and Condemnation from the Enemy

-conviction is from the Holy Spirit, prompting us to confess and be restored by fellowship with God. It is to draw us closer to God.

-condemenation is from Satan. Purpose is to keep us away from God by making us feel guilty.

-once you confess you are immediately forgiven, anything after that is guilt from Satan

-if you feel like hiding from God and doubting his love that is Satan, Closer that is God

-the enemy; speaks in half truths, pushes, agitates, emphasizes, do, do, do encourages willingness against Gods ways, encourages complaining, tells us we are inadequate

-Holy Spirit: about whole truth, wants us to be anxious for nothing, emphasizes be,be,be, unites people, emphasizes Gods will empowers us, encourages contentment

-Holy Spirit is specific-fix this me thing and you will be free. He commands you to take a specific action to make a choice of your will.

-The enemy wants us to focus on our feelings. Feelings are false! Speaks half truths. Set your mind on interests above God.

-Holy Spirit speaks facts and truth about you and God. Set your mind on God’s interests.

condemnation-conviction

http://www.tonycooke.org/articles-by-others/condemnation-conviction/

Disclaimer:

(This list is complied research from a bunch of different websites. At the time, I didn’t need to know the source because it was for my personal use. Now I’m sharing with you, I need to give credit because I didn’t know most of this stuff until I looked it up.)

https://marriagemissions.com/discerning-the-difference-between-the-conviction-of-the-holy-spirit-and-condemnation-of-the-enemy/

http://shieldoffaith62.blogspot.com/p/conviction-or-condemnationknowing.html

Often times I wonder if God is convicting me about something or is it the devil trying to make me feel bad. I discovered a few things. Conviction will make you feel bad, but not in a despair, can’ t face the day feel bad, just disappointed in yourself. That’s you grieving the Holy Spirit but it isn’t condemnation. Many times I have confessed things to God but still felt terrible about them, that isn’t God. He doesn’t want us to feel bad when He corrects us, he just wants us to do better.

offers hope

I wrote the words above a long time ago, 3 years ago in my journal when I was doing research on conviction vs condemnation. One thing I never paid attention to in my research is specific. As I was researching to write this post, I finally noticed specific. One blogger talked about God telling her she needed to apologize to someone and it just kept coming up in her mind over and over again. That makes sense. Specific is probably the most important thing that I could take away from my research. If you can’t put your finger on why you feel bad, that probably is not from God. God is not a God of confusion. If he wants you to something the direction is always clear. Even if the direction is to take one step at a time. He won’t just leave you hanging.

In my bible reading everyday I have discovered that Jesus didn’t come to judge us or condemn us but help us. He doesn’t want you to feel bad about something because you are not always going to change something if you are made to feel bad about it. You will just avoid it.

john317 coffee cup

I have only scratched the surface of this topic. It is definitely something I want to dive into more. You should too. There is a ton of research out there about this topic. Do you feel like you are being convicted about anything? What changes are you feeling prompted to make? Take some time to pray and make sure its from God and not anywhere else.