I lie awake thinking of you, meditating on you through the night.

Psalms 63:6 NLT

https://bible.com/bible/116/psa.63.6.NLT

I woke up a few times in the middle of the night this week and I used to wonder why but now I know that it’s just God wanting to get my attention. Back in the day I used to channel surf or flip through Instagram but that didn’t help me fall back to sleep. Now I read my bible or meditate on a verse. The meditating is cool and easy. Literally just repeating the same verse over and over in your mind. A few of my favorites, God is within her, she will not fail (Psalm 46:5) or blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill his promise to her (Luke 1:45).

If that doesn’t work I try to retell a biblical story in my head. I’m doing the bible in a year reading plan so I will retell the story of Jacob, Rachel and Leah or the story of Joseph, all in Genesis. Some times I just lay there and say God I’m listening…is there something you want to say to me or get my attention? When you ask God to speak to you, he will, but your mind has to be clear to hear what he is saying. Meditating is a good way to clear your head so you can be open to what God has to say.

It’s bound to happen unfortunately. What do you do? Do you get down on yourself? Do you get mad for making the same mistakes? I used to. I would be so frustrated. Mad at myself for slipping, mad at God for letting me slip, mad at the devil for tempting me. Just mad. It was terrible. I started trying to prep myself for the backslide.

I would run from God which would make my falling off worse. I would hide because I felt badly for failing. I thought that God was mad at me but that wasn’t the case. I would stop talking to him before he stopped talking to me. God doesnt do that though. He forgives us as soon as we repent.

When I’m upset about committing a wrong I read Psalm 51. David messed up pretty bad, this is when he slept with Bathsheba and killed her husband Uriah to cover it up. He was still called a man after God’s own heart. I think the big thing with falling off is not continuing to do it. If I say I’m not reading anymore smut but then I read some Eric Jerome Dickey book, God isn’t going to hate me because I messed up. The problem comes when I read the next book in the series since I already messed up anyway. Or if I’m supposed to call my grandma once a week and I miss 2 weeks in a row, deciding to call anyway.

We get new mercies everyday. I have to make sure I’m better prepared not to fall into temptation. Recognizing my triggers for things I may be tempted by and removing them if possible. Making sure I tailor my reactions. I don’t have sucked in to temptation or go to every petty party I’m invited to. I can chose another way.

Stay focused on the bigger picture, don’t let your mistake derail you from your progress. My pastor always says, it doesn’t matter how you start but how you finish. So you messed up, that’s ok. Just don’t continue to do it when you know better.

I was listening to this podcast called For the Love with Jen Hatmaker and one of the guests on her show was Dr. Brene. This lady is amazing. Her Tedtalk on Vulnerability was amazing. We watched at work for a professional development workshop. When you get some time you should watch her. TedTalk. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

One thing she said on Jen Hatmaker podcast that stuck with me was, we can’t shame people into changing. That really stuck with me. Often times that is exactly what we do. In school you do your homework so the teacher doesn’t call and you and you not have the answers. When your kid pushes someone down at the playground, do you make them feel bad about it? If your spouse doesn’t go to church, or take out the trash, or you constantly nag them? Do you make them feel like a bad person? I’m sure this is unintentional of course.

My husband had some ideas about something that I really disagree with. I tried to dissuade him from his thought process by offering him sound words of advice and letting him know his argument didn’t make sense. I wasn’t doing a good job though. I could tell in the midst of the argument that I wasn’t making any head way.I wanted to impose my views and thoughts on him and it is not the way that should have been done. I had to look at my motives, some of my reasons for trying to change his mind were selfish. I didn’t call my friends and complain about him, even though I wanted to. I decided to sit down and journal out everything I was thinking. It helped me realize that only God can change him, not me.

Shaming was definitely involved, I even told him his actions were blocking our blessings. Which is not only selfish but diminishing of God’s power. I knew as I was talking I was making my point in the wrong way but I didn’t know how to stop it. When the situation came up again I decided to leave it alone. I got much better results that way. Sometimes its not about being right, honestly most times its not about being right. Its always better to check your motives first when entering into debates. My motive wasn’t just to prove that I was right and get my husband to change his thought process, but I was concerned about how his actions would reflect on me and that is not appropriate or my place.

I decided to let it go, God can change him better than I can and my opinion isn’t helping, it was just making him dig his heels in more. It doesn’t matter that I’m correct. I am. My method wasn’t right and you can’t change a persons mind if they don’t want to be changed. I will have to continue to pray for him. I can see his softening somewhat on his position but it will take time. I will not give up though, but I won’t say anything else to him about it.Shaming is not the way. There has to be a better way to get people to see reason, sometimes we can’t though. That is ok, God will always show someone reason if we pray for wisdom for them. We will also gain some wisdom ourselves in the midst of those prayers.

I have seen people saying they want to read more this year so here is a list of some of my books I really enjoyed reading last year.

• Redeeming Love- Francine Rivers-This book was amazing. I was surprised at how much I liked it. It is historical fiction. It is the story of Hosea from the Old Testament. It gets a little repetitive but the story of Hosea is repetitive. Its representative of how God felt about Israel and how he forgives her several times and she keeps messing up. Its also a beautiful love story.
• *How to hear The Voice of God- Joyce Meyer. I didn’t read this last year but its one of my all time favorites. It spoke to me and answered a lot of questions that I had about how to distinguish between me talking and God talking. Joyce speaks plainly and is easy to understand.
• You Can’t Touch My Hair- Phoebe Robinson-It was absolutely hilarious. I found her very relatable. She is young and black and from Cleveland! There were a few weird chapters, one being about her love of U2, which I skipped, lol. Overall, it was great. She also on a podcast called 2 Dope Queens. You should check it out. They are about to have a show on HBO.
• Wait and See: Finding Peace in Gods Pauses and Plans – Wendy Pope-This book changed my life. It made me look at the way I viewed the wait that God was putting me through. She has really good questions at the end of each chapter. They are thought provoking and really help you put things into perspective. She also has action steps and I love a book that doesn’t just talk at you and but gives you a clear way to move forward.
• Jesus Calling- Sara Young- It’s a devotional but it is the best one I have ever read. Sara writes as if Jesus is speaking to you. All scripture based. It is amazing. If you don’t read anything else on this list read this.
• Delilah and Bathsheba-Angela Hunt- These are two separate books. They are the
• retelling of the stories of Delilah and Samson and Bathsheba and David. It offers an interesting perspective of these biblical stories. I like them because they also give you insight into the biblical times and some historical context that the bible doesn’t provide.
  Honorable mentions-Check these book out as well.They were really good. I love to read and I can easily read 5 or 6 books a month. I just read two books over the weekend, lol.
• Strongholds-Vanessa Davis Griggs
  The Shack- William Young
  Breaking Night- Liz Murray
• I’m Judging You-Awesomely Luvvie

Paul says that not everything is beneficial or necessary. I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but not everything is constructive. 1 Corinthians 10:23. That is how I feel about “mommy porn” or as I like to call it smut. I never thought about it like that when I was reading romance novels but it is definitely like that. If my husband was watching porn I would definitely feel bad. I started wondering how he felt about me reading romance novels or books with graphic sex scenes. He didn’t like it. He thought I wanted my life to be like the books I was reading. That isn’t true. It was entertainment but then I started to thinking about the image I was portraying to others. I hadn’t published this blog yet but it seemed hypocritical of me.

I didn’t feel comfortable with the books I had on display in my living room and if I didn’t feel right about telling people what I was reading, then that was a problem. The books you read are a reflection of you. It lets people know your interests and how you spend your time. If I’m spending more time with God shouldn’t my hobbies reflect that? So I went cold turkey back in August. I sold almost all my “smut” to half price books and I started to delete them off my kindle. Then I fasted fiction books for 21 days in September. It was really hard for me but good because it opened me up to different genres. I can honestly say I haven’t missed it. It has made me do more research into what I’m reading and really assess what I’m taking in. My biggest weakness in smut would probably be tv or music. It’s hard to get away from them but even in things that are supposed to be family friendly they is still cursing and sexual innuendo. Music will always be hard because I enjoy a trap beat every now and again. I think moderation is ok. I work in a high school and I think it’s important to know what they are listening to and watching. I read more than I listen to music or books, that’s the area I felt most convicted in, so that’s what I cut out.

I know people are wondering what’s the big deal with reading books with sex scenes or cursing. For you they that may not be a deal and that’s great. However, think about how your spouse or significant other would feel. Including outside images in your relationship is never a good idea and if your single, it definitely may not be a good idea. That’s another conversation for another day.  Plain and simple God doesn’t like it and in spiritual growth you want to do more of things that God likes and not just the things that you like. That can sometimes be difficult but certainly better for you in the long run.

I’m learning to be vulnerable, to see the changes I need to make, and realize its all a process. A long process. I want to be better now! Lol. It doesn’t work that way. Reminds of a line from when Harry met Sally. When you realize you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start now. I feel that way about Jesus. I want to show the world all the things that I have been reading in the bible that am I applying to my life. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just say you want to change and changes instantly start happening. I wish it worked that way though. You have to put in the work for the changes you want to happen.

Now that we are in 2018 and making vision boards and writing out goals. I want to change now. I want to be a better person asap. Part of that is I am impatient and want things to happen now. Once I set my mind to something I don’t want to wait for it. The thing is though if it took 25 years to develop that habit then you probably aren’t going to break it in 21 days. It such a hard thing to comprehend when you are ready to start making changes. I know I’m having a hard time. I see growth but just as quickly I’m 2 steps away from backsliding. It’s a vicious cycle. Don’t get discouraged. It’s not going to happen overnight but if you keep with it you will overcome and transform. I know that sounds cliche but its really just one day at a time. No more no less. Choosing to not do that habit you are trying to break or starting a new habit. Next week I will talk about what to do if you backslide or miss a day or something doesn’t go according to plan.