Being pregnant

Posted on by

I know I was pretty casual about announcing my pregnancy. I have been that way the entire time. People always think its really funny. I am not trying to downplay anything. I don’t I have been this happy and overwhelmed at the same time in my life. The only other time I can think of is when I was planning my wedding.

One of my bfs said that I am acting way differently then she thought I would about this pregnancy. I am not sure at all what that means. I’m going to ask her before I post this so I can have an answer for all of us. UPDATE:  Still don’t have an answer to this. It will be in the part 2.

When I first found out I was pregnant it literally came out of nowhere. I went to the doctor in August to get some testing done, because I wanted to start trying again. The news I received was not encouraging. The doctor told me that there was no change from last year and that I probably would not be able to get pregnant without the help of fertility drugs. This was two days before my birthday, September 11. I left the doctor feeling pretty bummed but I was going to Toronto for my birthday that weekend so I rescinded to not be bitter. I told the doctor I didn’t want to go the fertility drug route, so even though she wrote me a prescription for Clomid, I never got it filled. A direct quote from my journal….

TMI alert:

We got back from our trip (which was sooo much fun) and life moved on. Fast forward its the first week of October and my period is late. I didn’t think that much of it because I have had false alarms before. Took at test after about a week that was inconclusive. I continued to party and have a good time. Hence my I extended my summer vacation post. Still nothing after another week, so I take another test. Its positive!!

I didn’t think it was real. I thought I had a false positive. I think I walked around the entire first trimester in a state of disbelief. I was sick and felt awful but that was the only evidence I was pregnant. I lost 7lbs, it was not good. I believed God gave me this blessing but I just was so worried that I definitely didn’t enjoy the experience.

I wrote all that to say, its an odd place to be to be pregnant when it took so long to get there. For it to happen out of nowhere still blows my mind. I never doubted it would happen, I just thought it would take a few months, maybe at the end of the year or something.

UPDATE: There will definitely be a Part Two. I have a lot more to say about this subject it ended up getting posted before I was finished. Stay tuned.

Using your gift

Posted on by

God gives each of us a gift. He decided it that way before we were born. When God gives us a gift we are supposed to give it back to him. I can’t say knew that. It makes sense. He doesn’t give us a gift just for us, it supposed to be for his glory and for others not for us.

All the years I was messing around on blogging. People had been telling me for years my gift was communication. I didn’t believe it because it was too easy. I asked God to tell me what my gift was and he told me in new it all along. It has been a great relief to know what God wants me to do and I felt relieved to do it. I felt immense pressure before I was obedient so I’m glad I listened to God even if it took me some time to do it.

gift quote

I haven’t been blogging in a while because I have been on my summer break. I felt ok about this for a while anyway. Then I read a devotional about giving your gift back to God. God didn’t give me a gift to keep it to myself. It supposed to be used for others. I had hurt Gods feelings and I didn’t even know it. I also was being disobedient because he told me to write and I haven’t really been writing. He didn’t tell me to blog per se but I haven’t even been journaling really and that’s my primary way I talk to God. I can’t be surprised that I was asking God questions and he wasn’t really answering or I was questioning if it was him because I had fallen off on my communication.

I tend to go through this every season. It so easy to get into a slump if you are not consistent. I am proud that God trusts me to talk to His people about his goodness and that people think I am interesting enough to come here and read week after week. I won’t squander the gift God gave me. I think I was just taking the gift for granted. I am not going to do that anymore either.

Jesus year

Posted on by

Before my 33rd birthday this year I declared it would be my Jesus year.

jesus year

I saw it on the internet and thought it sounded pretty cool. A year to focus on my ministry, a year to focus on others and not myself, a year of growth and improvement to get me ready for whatever God wanted me to do next. It sounded good. Definitely didn’t end up happening that way.

30 days after my birthday I found out I was pregnant. giphy dancing

Wasn’t expecting that to happen. Then I was pretty sick, October, November and the beginning of December. First quarter of my Jesus year I spent it asleep. Not good.

I was disappointed because I had a totally different outlook on what 33 would look like. I picked up some bad habits because when you don’t feel good it’s hard to feed your body or mind good stuff.

2nd quarter has started and I am picking up steam. Teaching a Sunday school class on being patient and waiting well. I know tons about that. I’m trying to get back on my blogging schedule. I blocked social media on my phone so less distractions.

What I love most about Jesus is that he gives second chances. He wants to see us improve and will wait for us to do so.

I extended my summer vacation

Posted on by

You ever notice when you over stay your welcome someplace? At first everything seems ok but then things start feeling a little funny. I noticed something was off but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I realized what was wrong. I had backslide. The backslide is so subtle you don’t even notice you’re doing it. I extended my summer vacation. I was supposed to get back on my grind after my birthday which was in the middle of September. Going back to work full time and being at school all day, getting a puppy and trying to add extracurricular activities has been a lot.
So its easier to come home and not do to much. Its easier to make excuses for hanging out because the weeks have been so busy. Nope not good. I have been slacking on my bible reading and writing. I still read but it’s just the verse of the day. I know God expects more from me than that.

I haven’t been to church that much recently because we have been out of town. Then it was easy to miss the couple of weeks we have been back because we haven’t already been going.

The saddest thing about this extended summer vacation is that I haven’t been writing. Its real easy to not do things. I would have never though that an entire two months would go by and I hadn’t blogged anything but my creative juices weren’t flowing. Well…that isn’t really true, its more I had plugged up the hole and stopped the flow. I was more interested in what I wanted to do than what God wanted me to do.

1543950960398_image5979332852021036107.jpg

This is exactly what I did. I slipped back into my old ways…not good. I am happy that God treats us better than we treat him.

Life has come at me very fast but it has all been very exciting. I will tell you about it in the coming weeks.

I’m back! Ideas have been coming in hot and heavy and I am excited to get back to doing what I love to do, which is to write. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

getting-those-creative-juices-flowing-thumb

Healthy living update

Posted on by

I got a Fitbit for my birthday and I must say I love it! Go husband, for my buying me something that I would have never bought myself. It is so cool, I am definitely late on the train in getting one but I am glad I did.

You all know how I told you that I go from 0 to 100 real quick.

So of course I went on there and set the hardest goals possible and start tracking everything to see where I am at. The numbers were decent. I exercised like 3x this past week. I met my step goal 4/5 days.My water drinking was garbage, definitely need to improve on that. I was trying to do 64 oz a day. So four 16 oz bottles at home and four 16 oz bottles at work. That is really hard and wasn’t working well for me. Is anybody embarrassed after drinking so much water how often they have to go to the bathroom?

I didn’t want to drink more water because I was tired of the bathroom breaks. I decided this week to try and drink three 24 oz bottles a day. I think this is a doable goal and even though its acutally more water its not going to feel like its a much water because its only three bottles a day. I have a ton of 24oz water bottles but I thought they were too small. I see people at work drinking for monster size water bottles and I feel like I need to keep up with them. False. I just need to get the water in.

Power in standing still

Posted on by

I had a really good conversation the other day about being complacent vs being content.

My friend is known for the saying, there is growth in standing in place. This is not a saying that I had heard before but I was not fond of it. My whole life I have been taught, if you are not moving, not progressing, then you are not growing. However, the more I think about the power in standing still, I can see the growth in the concept.

A friend of mine sent me a really cool job offer, it was making more money than I currently make and mixing some of the things I really want to do into one standard role. It would definitely be a challenge for me and good move for me career wise. I told her I needed to pray on it before I submitted an application. I didn’t get any strong indications from God one way or another. I talked to a few people I trust. One person told me I should apply, why wouldn’t I? This was a great oppurtunity, which is true. I didn’t have to take the job, I could just go and hear what they had to say. My husband suggested this a well.

I really wanted to apply. I didn’t want to be turn down an oppurtunity because what if one didn’t come by again? Would I be kicking a gift horse in the mouth?

Ultimately, I didn’t apply. I know some people would think that is crazy but I don’t feel I made a bad decision. I had to think about my ultimate goals. My career is not my number one priority and I am ok with that. The job I have now allows me to work on all the goals I have right now. If I started someplace new I wouldn’t be able to go on maternity leave and that is something that matters to me. I am not saying I don’t wont to work. I do. I love the job I have. I want to have as close to “all” as possible. I just don’t feel a sense of urgency to leave my job right now. It works so well for my lifestyle.

I don’t want to be complacent. I want to continue to grow and thrive even if I am in the same space. When you plant anything, you lay the seed, water, and then you watch it grow. You don’t need to move it around, it will grow, as long as you take care of it.

New kid on the block

Posted on by

I have been working in the same job for the last 4 years. I am a college counselor. I love my job and am I good at it. I recently made a move to a new school this year and it completely shook my confidence.

I have only been there a month but I have learned a lot of lessons in the last 30 days.

1. I don’t have anything to prove. I am good at my job and I don’t have to do it the same way the previous person did.
2. I can not be everything for everybody. I was literally running myself ragged trying to make every meeting, do every presentation, sometimes trying to be two places at once. It was unnecessary. I wasn’t giving anything 100% because I was trying to do too much.
3. I can make mistakes. I am not perfect and that is ok. Nobody is putting any pressure on me but me. I just need to relax and do what I’m good at.
4. Trust is a very interesting thing. I’m going to talk more about this in a later post. I don’t really know the team I am working with that well yet. I am used to being excluded from things and being left off emails so I have been just showing up places. I don’t need to, my counterpart hasn’t left me off anything. He hasn’t done anything for me not to trust him.

Being a new person is not easy for me, nor is change. When I first started it was hard. I was lonely and nervous and unsure of myself. 30 days later I feel more relaxed. I have made some friends and I am learning the lay of the land. This change is exactly what I didn’t know I needed. I am so glad that I didn’t block my blessing by being afraid.

Its my birthday!

Posted on by

33 years I have been rotating around the sun. I don’t feel 33 years old. I am not sure what that is supposed to feel like. I don’t feel as old as the people I knew were this age when I was younger.

I am excited for 33. I pray that this year is truly my best year yet. I say that every year and then the end of that year comes and I don’t necessarily feel that way. I told someone the other day that even year birthdays have not be great for me, so I hope this year is better. My 30th birthday was not great. I didn’t do anything to celebrate and tried to through something together last minute that wasn’t representative of my awesome party throwing skills. I don’t have an issue getting older. I still look like I am in college and I know this to be true because I work with high school students and there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that someone is mistaking me for a student.

My biggest issue with birthdays is that they are a reminder of all the things that I still need to get done. I don’t feel that way so much this year. I finally have been obdienet to all the things God wanted me to do. That right there just takes a weight off my shoulders. I still don’t have a baby but for the most part I am ok with that. I am working on TRUST. That is what God wants me to do.

I have a great trip planned for my birthday this year which I am excited about. A girls trip and trip with my husband. Right now I am currently in Toronto living it up.

32 is was not as bad as I initially thought it was. I made a list in April of all things I wanted before the summer was over I had those things. I would have never imagined that it would happen so quickly and with little intervention from me. God set those things in motion. I grew a lot last year, not necessarily because I wanted to, but because I had too. It has made me better though. My blog has grown. My writing has gotten better and I have taken additional steps to grow in my craft. I am a creative. Who would have thought?!

 

Eat to live or live to eat

Posted on by

One of my good friends always tells me to eat to live not live to eat. I never was a fan of that saying because I love food. She says that all things you eat are not meant to taste good, you eat them for the nutritional value. This goes against everything I believe in. There are so many. delicious foods out there, why wouldn’t I want to eat them?

     

I’ve been thinking about it more however and it is a sign maturity and self control and self discipline to eat to live instead of living to eat.

Maturity because you recognize you can’t just eat whatever you want, when you want.

Self control because even though I want to stop and get a burger and fries, I don’t do it.

Self discipline because I exercise self control and maturity.

She also told me to think about my relationship with food.

food is bae

When I am feeling good I eat. Reward myself with food, feeling bad go pick up something tasty. The most money I spend on anything other than travel is food. I love to read and I don’t spend money on books like I do on food. I never paid attention before but now that I do it’s a little crazy. I checked this week after I started this post to see how much money I spend on food. Over $150 for the month of August! This was just for my self mostly, except on one occasion. So not only  are my habits hurting my body but they are hurting my pockets. I am proud to say that I have only eaten out one time so far this month and when I did it was a healthy option.

I need to look at my triggers and find something else to use when celebrating or when I need a pick me up.

As I get older, my body is just not responding to my terrible habits the way it before. I am working on it though. I know I was supposed to be getting myself together before the summer started but alas that didn’t really happen. My birthday is coming though so its the perfect time to get back in the groove.

(gifs from giphy.com)

Can’t be the girl I used to be

Posted on by

Someone on a podcast I listen to said the above phrase and it really resonated with me. I have desperately been trying to go back to the girl I used to be. Back to a time when I was carefree and wasn’t worrying and second guessing all the time. I don’t need to be that girl anymore though. I can be better than her, different than her. 2.0 in fact. I don’t have to go back to where I used to be, to be happy or content. I need to own the space I am currently in and be ok.

Are you content? Are you happy with the space you are in currently? I’m trying. I really am trying. I want to not only be content but be able to celebrate others. I’m working on that too. Those people that I was worried about seeing a few weeks ago, maybe last month. I saw them a few weeks ago and it was good. Nobody asked where I had been or what I was doing. So progress has been made on the celebrating others piece.

Being content, that is giving me more trouble. I used to think that I didn’t want to be too happy because I didn’t want God to think I was satisfied with my situation. Sounds silly when I say it out loud. God knows how I feel. He knows everything about me. He knows me better than I know myself.

I heard a sermon a few weeks ago from Jeremiah 29. It was when God told the Jews they were going to be under captivity of the Babylonians for 70 years. He told them to get comfortable, they were going to be there for a while. In the face of these circumstances he also told them that he knew the plans he had for them, for them to prosper.

I knew God was talking to me when I heard this. He wants me to be comfortable in this current space I am in. First I heard this sermon then I got this scripture during my quiet time.

But the people of Israel, who tried so hard to get right with God by keeping the law, never succeeded.

Romans 9:31 NLT

Why not? Because they were trying to get right with God by keeping the law instead of by trusting in him. They stumbled over the great rock in their path.

Romans 9:32 NLT

This was me 100% I didn’t think I was trying to earn a blessing but I certainly was doing everything that I could control. Trust is the opposite of control. I believe this is true because if I have to be in control it means I don’t trust the person that is supposed to be guiding me. I say God is the guiding force in my life but then I pray and try to help him along or devise my own plan. Nonsense!

God doesn’t need me to do anything but trust him. That’s the hardest thing to do. You want me to volunteer 10x a month, feed the poor, give to charity, read my bible, do a 100 blog posts I got you. You want me to trust you… well I have some questions.

Help me in my unbelief. I know God can do anything but his timing never seems to align with mine. That’s ok. Trust requires the most work of all and it can’t be quantified. Trust is hard but remembering all God has done for me makes it easier. Everyday when I wake up I thank God for the things he is doing to build that great wall of trust. It helps me calm down when I am anxious about a situation, I remind myself of all the things he has done for me.

Image result for be grateful

Big or small, he has never let me down. I greatly appreciate that. I have walked away from God a 1000x but he has never walked away from me.