I like the above quote. It is quite mature, a great sentiment. Much easier to say than actually implement in real life. I am terrible that I do not like apologizing. I used to like to just move on like nothing had happened because I am not mad anymore and you aren’t either. This is not a healthy way to handle conflict and it is not very fair to the person that was offended/slighted, etc.

My not liking to apologize had nothing to do with the other person and everything to with me. Apologizing felt like I was giving up control or admitting weakness. Apologizing is a very vulnerable position to be in. You are kind of out on a ledge by yourself waiting for the other person to react, respond. What if they don’t say anything? Do they have to? Is it necessary? Does it matter? I had to contemplate these questions recently as I issued apologizes for various reasons in the past but got almost no responses. This made matters worse! I almost felt like I shouldn’t have said anything at all. However, often times an apology is not for them to acknowledge but for you to atone for what you have done. The best apology really is changed behavior.  

I saw this on Instagram a while back and it definitely spoke to me. I was out sometime ago, probably before COVID and was talking about how tired I was and somebody said this to me. Like didn’t you ask for this? I did. I don’t think its a fair to expect me to never get tired, to never want a break, to never be annoyed by my kid. I am still a human person. I know plenty of people who think this about themselves. I certainly used to.

I felt because I prayed so long for a baby I had no right to complain. I never want God or anyone else to think for a second that I am not grateful for my son. He is amazing! I love watching him grow and discover new things. He is a 18 months today. So he is tap dancing on the line of terrible twos. Things are starting to get real interesting around here.

I have been talking about rest this week and think being a mom makes it even harder to rest.

When he was smaller I wanted to be the first person he saw when he woke up in the morning and the last person he saw before bed. That has been the case pretty much every day and night he has been alive unless I was out of town. As he has gotten older though I am starting to realize that isn’t necessary. Putting him to bed every night right now is exhausting because he doesn’t want to go. We are battling over bath time and pajamas like we don’t do this every night. Its driving me insane.

The mom guilt is real though. I feel like I need to do all these things because he is at the sitter all day.

I want to make sure that I get enough time in with him as possible. I want him to know that he is loved and cherished. He knows that though. He may not be able to say it but I firmly believe he can feel the love I pour into him. He is a happy baby by default. Its just who he is. He needs a mommy that is happy and content as well. All the time.

I’m making adjustments. I have turned over a few nights a week of night time prep to my husband. He is a having a great time!

I am scheduling myself some regular me time. I am giving myself a break. I feel like it takes a long time to catch your rhythm as a mom. As soon as you get a good routine down, they change on you. We have to be willing to change too or as good friend of mine says, pivot.