I tend to do that more often than I realized. I was all excited a few weeks ago because a lot of things were happening at once, got a raise, interview opportunity, and I thought I was pregnant. I was like wow God you really are laying it on me. Ok. I wasn’t prepared but I’m like ok this is a good thing. Then I thought like wait, its too good to be true, God is doing this to get my attention there is no way that all this awesomeness can happen at once. I was freaking out because I kept thinking that it was too good to be true. I didn’t think that I could get all the things that I was praying for all at once. For now, I was right.
Didn’t get the job and wasn’t pregnant. A bunch of let down right around the same time. I’m not super disappointed anymore about not being pregnant because as you are reading this I am chilling on the sandy beaches in Mexico and being pregnant here would not have been as fun. I’m not upset about the job because I got beat out by the best and I can’t really be mad at that. I want to explore this topic more, having it all. Where did it come from? Is it actually achievable? I will talk about this more in a later post.
I know what’s for me will be given to me. Nobody, not even me can get in the way of that. I don’t know if God had all that happen to get my attention. Its definitely possible. I haven’t prayed and fasted that much in a long while. I knew that I needed to step it up. I talked about that in a previous post. I feel like there was other things he could do to get my attention although I have to admit these were definitely the best. Maybe it was the devil messing with me. I will never know. I do know that God will never play me and he is not a trickster. I couldn’t find any examples in the bible where he gave the people something good and then snatched it away or gave someone something good to get their attention and then changed his mind. If there is something out there please let me know. One of my favorite verses is, God is not like man he doesn’t lie or change his mind (Numbers 23:19).
So I’m essentially right back where I started aside from the pay increase. When I think about how ridiculous I was acting it makes me laugh. I couldn’t even enjoy the blessing because I was waiting on the other shoe to drop.
I’m sure if it was from God his feelings would be hurt over how I was acting. Who wants to give their kid a present for them to keep checking if you are going to ask for it back? I wouldn’t. So if learned any lesson this week it would be to relax. Enjoy each moment. I know everything works out for my good (Romans 8:28) and I know God has plans he made with my name on them (Jeremiah 29:11).
I was in church today and the woman preached about the man in Mark 3:1-5, who had the shriveled hand but was healed on the Sabbath. She made several good points but the one that spoke to me the most was when she talked about Jesus making him come up to the front of the congregation before he healed him. Jesus could have healed him from anywhere, he didn’t even need to talk to the man and the healing would have been done. Why did he make him come to the front of the congregation? She said Jesus made him come to the front because exposure is necessary for victory. God wants to put our suffering on display so he can get the glory from the situation. He wants everyone to see it, so that people will know that it is him.
I have never been one to put my suffering on display. Not at first anyway. I usually suffer in silence. It doesn’t really work that well but its a trained habit. I usually put myself in a bubble, well hidden and insulated until I pull myself together and then I come back out, seemly refreshed, although not healed. God had been telling me to tell my story for years but I didn’t want to put my suffering on display. Most people know at this point about my fertility challenges but its still sometimes feels like a dirty secret.
While I have been hiding out, people are still living their lives. Another one of my good friends is pregnant and this is a great thing. I am never not happy when someone gets pregnant, a baby is a blessing from God. I was sad for me, but the longer I go through this, the more I see this is not a good way to think either. When someone is sharing their good news, I shouldn’t even be thinking about me. I should be 100% celebrating with them. Joyce Meyer says a sign of spiritual growth is reacting differently to the same situation. This is the first time that I heard someone’s baby news and didn’t first think of myself.
I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. I don’t want people to feel like they can’t talk about their plans just because I am not making the same plans. That is not fair. I was mad at friend because she didn’t tell me when she told everyone else that she was pregnant. Everyone knew but me and that really hurt. She said she didn’t know how. I can understand that. Dealing with someone else’ s infertility can be challenging. I don’t know how I will feel about things. Someone texted me a picture of their positive pregnancy test and I really didn’t like that. Someone else texted me their sonogram pictures. I really didn’t like that either. They didn’t know that and I never told them. I probably never will. They were treating me like a normal person, I shouldn’t be mad. I don’t always feel normal but that isn’t their problem, its mine.
I have been trying to get the focus off of myself and on to other people but I still need to do more. I was so depressed at the beginning of the year. I didn’t know though and other people didn’t either. I didn’t realize I was depressed until I took a quiz a few weeks ago and by then I was over the hump.It was recommended by this podcast Therapy for black girls.(Its really good. You should check it out.) I wonder if I could have turned it around sooner if I had said something to someone?
For all you women out there who are suffering from infertility issues know you don’t have to suffer in silence. Know that God has put a desire in you and he WILL fulfill it. Right now I am pregnant with possibilities, and I am ok with that. I have things that I was put here to do and I am no less a woman because I have not bared any children, YET. If I never birth my own child, I can live with that because I know God has a plan. A plan better than anything I can dream or imagine. I used to never want to say that because it felt like I was giving up hope. I know now that is not the case. It is relinquishing full control to him. I know that I can master any situation because I have winning member on my team, Jesus. I am so thankful, so grateful, that he takes care of me and will fulfill every desire he put in me.
Inefficient-not achieving maximum productivity; wasting or failing to make the best use of time or resources.
Often times I think about the dreams and goals that I have and want to accomplish and I feel inefficient. I certainly don’t feel like I am making the best use of my time or resources. I have two degrees that I do not really use and I’m starting to to get the itch that I want to do something else. Am I qualified? Sometimes I think so, but other days not so much. I am debating on if I want to get an Ed.d, which is a doctorate in education because that is what I have been doing for the last 10+ years but I don’t know. I know to make any real money or move up, a terminal degree would be nice but I want a job that is bigger than money. Do I want to do something totally different? I didn’t get into my field to make a lot of money but I want to be comfortable. I don’t want to put all the financial heavy lifting to my husband. I have two degrees, I want to pull my own weight.
When I got my master’s there wasn’t a lot of asking God or contemplating. I did a little research, asked the higher ups around me and did it. I want to put a little more thought and time into my choice this time around. I don’t think having more formal education is what makes feel inefficient. I have to remind myself that his grace is sufficient. He is strong when I am weak.
I probably feel this way because what I really want to do I have no formal training at all. I want to be a writer. I want to write books that will be read all over the world and be referenced for years to come. I can’t really imagine that happening in my wildest dreams. Why not? I haven’t even tried yet and I am already talking myself out of it. Nobody can make me feel inefficient but me. I know it won’t be easy but if I take one step, God will take two. I was not made to be inefficient or mediocre. I was created for his purpose. There is something inside of me that is waiting to be revealed and the only person that can stop me from reaching my full potential is me.