Mother’s day can be hard. As we get ready for Mother’s Day tomorrow I realize that it may not look the same for everyone. I have cried on many of a Mother’s Day because I wanted to be a mother so badly and it wasn’t happening. I used to wonder if something was wrong with me or if I was good enough to be a mom. If that is you, just know that isn’t true. The timing may not be right now, but doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
It can seem like everyone is celebrating and you are not. Take what you need today. If its easier, stay off social media for the next few days. Gather with your support system. Buy yourself a treat. Take yourself out.
If you have a hard time on Mother’s Day for whatever reason I see you. I walk along beside you in solidarity.
I originally wrote this post September 10, 2022. It seems appropriate to post now that my youngest is now 1.
I have (mostly) let perfectionism go. When I had my older son I was still all about making sure my house was clean as possible, that I always looked presentable, that the baby looked presentable. This time around all that is out the window. My in laws came to see the baby and I ran out of time to clean everything, welp you get what you get.
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Babies arent as delicate as you think. This younger one is definitely not being treated with kid gloves like the older one was. He’s good lol
It really is easier the second time. Having the gift of experience did wonders for my anxiety.
People will help if you ask them but you gotta be specific. We’ll talk about this more but telling people exactly what we needed has made a big difference.
Take the time you need. Your partner surely will.
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Mom guilt is 2x stronger. I often feel like there is only so much of me to go around and everyone wants a piece. How do I combat that? Honestly I’m still figuring it out.
You can do hard things. Im breastfeeding this time and it has been going a lot better. Last time was so difficult and I gave up too soon. This time even though he didnt latch in the hospital, I decided to try again once we had been home about a week. He latched! I was so surprised. We just kept working at and we have been more successful.
Trust the process. I used this with breastfeeding. If you have breastfed or seen it happen you know can’t tell how much the baby is getting. When I was pumping before he latched I knew exactly how much he was getting. Now that its straight from the tap its harder to tell. I know there are signs to look out for but that doesn’t really help in the moment. For now I will take it one feed at a time.
Take things one day at a time. I’m a planner by nature and I had all these lists that I wanted to get done while I’m on maternity. I felt better this time sooner so I wanted to be productive. Nope! Keeping this baby alive is all the productivity I need for a while.
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Don’t forget your partner. Now that I have two children, my marriage ended up taking a back seat. My baby is one year and my husband and I went a long time this year without any real dates or consistent quality time. We had to have some hard conversations before we really started being intentional with one another again. Its easy to forget him, not because he isn’t great, but because I am trying to make sure that everything is done well and these kids are still alive, I don’t always prioritize the other adult here. That’s not fair to him. We will definitely talk about this more because its a work in progress.
The jump from 1 to 2 was crazy. I used to want three kids. What was I thinking?! I know people who have 3 or more kids so it can certainly be done. But having those kids out number adults just seems so hard to me. Now that I have two, I’m good. Now that my baby is 1 its easier, but when he was fresh, it was a lot of work.
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Don’t forget the self care. I am the first to admit I didn’t do well with self care this year. I know better. I haven’t read as many books, or had my quiet time, or written like I like too. But I will, I have the second half of the year to clean it up and I have started to. I got a massage, took myself to dinner, spent time with friends. I am getting there.
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You can do things a different way. My quiet time doesn’t look the same and hanging out with my girlfriends doesn’t look the same but that’s ok. As long as its happening, that is what counts.
Remember while you are being a mom, that you are also a wife, a friend, a daughter. I have the two children that I prayed for and it hasn’t always been easy but I wouldn’t change anything. Being a mom is the most rewarding and challenging thing I have ever done. Don’t lose yourself in your children, that’s not doing anybody any good.
Are you mom of 2 or more? Any advice or tips? Are you thinking about having more than one kid? Lets chat in the comments.
I found out on International Women’s Day that I was having a boy. So many emotions went through me and none of them were excitement. Yes I’m happy I’m having another baby. Yes this baby is healthy and strong. But I can’t say I didn’t want a girl. I never pictured myself as a boy mom. I do not like the things traditionally prescribed to boys. I felt like God was thinking I wasn’t a good enough woman to have a daughter. I know logically that isn’t true. But it sure is hard when you’re praying up and down for a girl and that doesn’t happen.
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It’s hard not to take it personal. Gods ways are higher than mine though. I always come back to the verse of those who hope in the Lord won’t be disappointed. When I had my first son I felt a way at first. But he is the light of my life. He is so funny, so energetic, so full of life. He is not afraid of anything. He is always up for an adventure. He is 2 going on 12. I am not disappointed. I know when his brother gets here I’ll love on him too.
Before I knew I was having a boy I was walking around in pink, manifesting things, calling the baby a girl, doing everything to convince God that I knew what was best for our family.
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I’m the kind of person that needs a reason, so I like to believe that I don’t have a daughter of my own so I can pour into other young women and girls. So I can birth a book, so I can mother myself. Knowing that I can still impact a young girls life, does make me feel better.
Raising a black man in these times is hard. I’m grateful that God saw something in me that believes I’m capable of the job. Yes I know my husband will play a role in that but this isn’t about him right now. Lol
The biggest thing for me is adjusting the way I thought my life was going to look. I always imagined one boy and one girl. Girl first because that’s the dynamic I have in my family. I think that’s what gender disappointment is all about, mourning the life you had previously envisioned.
Now that my 2nd son is here I know God made the right decision. He fits into our family perfectly.
I’ve heard the saying many times that it takes a village to raise a child. Before I had my own child I knew it made sense but I didn’t have an opportunity to put it in practice.
The thing they don’t tell you about in using your village there is a level of vulnerability there. Yall know how I feel about being vulnerable. It makes me nervous, lol.
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I’m everything in this gif when I leave my kid with someone. I’m happy and excited because I’m thinking freedom! lol.
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If I leave my kid with you then I open myself to your opinions, guidance and criticism. People love to give new moms unsolicited advice. I also have to trust that you have my babies best interest in mind just like I do. I have to hope you aren’t judging him and by proxy judging me.
Being a parent is often about second guessing every decision you make.
My village has shrunk quite significantly this year. That’s another place where vulnerability comes in. I’m going to have to ask people I may not normally ask if they can watch LJ. I may have to bother people. I hate bothering people. I don’t want anyone to help me out of obligation as. Ultimately though it’s not about my feelings. Its about what’s best for my kid.
I know that its good that my village has spread out across the country. This has huge advantages for myself and my son.
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I wish I had multiple people around to get opinions from when I was a kid. My son will have that. He will have places to visit, lesson to learn, adventures to be had all over the country. He will have tons of people to pour love into him and see him in a way that sometimes his parents won’t be able to.
I reminded a friend and myself, that a baby is just on loan from God. He trusted me to take care of him but ultimately He is the one helping me provide the best care for my child. I’m not doing it alone.
And so I am sure confident that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished on the Day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
This verse is the perfect reminder that no matter how big or small my village my child will be ok. Not because of me but because of God.
Being a mother is the HARDEST job I ever had. I love it though. I love that it made me want to better myself. I love when I go pick him up from the babysitter and he gets the biggest smile on his face when I walk in the door. Every cliche you have ever heard about being a mother is absolutely true.
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If your a mom, take what you need, not just today but all week. Don’t let mom guilt get in the way. You deserve to be celebrated. I limit myself all the time because of mom guilt and I am trying to work on it but it doesn’t always work out that way. If you need help ask for it. If you want to be left alone ask for that. Your partner and support system can not read your mind. I used think my husband was upset with me because I felt like he was “watching” my son a lot. I never asked him, I just assumed. It wasn’t true though and it wasn’t a lot really. I just created that narrative in my head. I work full time so I already feel like I don’t see him enough. He’s fine. He’s well adjusted happy toddler.
Don’t compare yourself to other moms, don’t compare your baby to other kids. I read this article that talked about are we expecting too much out of your child based on age. I certainly was. If you are doing the best you can that is enough.
Remember people are only showing their highlights on social media. Folks rarely show the bad times. Or if they do, they show it in funny ironic ways. They don’t show when their kid has destroyed all the books in their room, or dumped all the clean clothes out of the laundry basket, or thrown their dinner all over the floor.
Your feelings count, your happiness counts, if you aren’t taking care of yourself then you aren’t able to be the best mom you can be.
Is your kid happy, healthy and loved? If they are then you are doing amazing! I salute you this Mother’s Day.
New seasons are for new beginnings and new outlooks.
I’m extra excited for this spring because last spring was so rough. I feel like this spring will be different. I have been planting seeds, (doing the work) fertilizing the soil, (affirming myself) pulling weeds and pruning my garden (letting go of things that don’t serve me).
I’m excited to discuss how to bloom where your planted in this new season of life. Stay tuned in April as we talk about growth work and how to do it.
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Jesus Calling-Sarah Young (there is a devotional by the same name. Excellent read! The best devotional I have read to date.)
Every week on this podcast she meets with different guests to discuss faith, courage, encouragement, love and trusting God.
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The Nona Jones Podcast explores how many of the most admired leaders, business executives and public figures turned trauma into triumph and built purpose out of pain to emerge from their greatest struggles undefeated. from Apple Podcasts
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I saw this on Instagram the other day and it really spoke to me. Especially the line, “outsource your life”. I have been notorious for not asking for help. I didn’t often want to ask for help because I didn’t want to look like I couldn’t handle whatever situation I was in. I didn’t want people to view me as weak. Asking for help puts you in a vulnerable position. I have mentioned struggles I have had in the past and people have thrown them back in my face. It may not have been intentional, but I certainly don’t want to be reminded of my weaknesses.
As I was reading the book of Numbers it talked about Moses complaining to God that his workload was too large.
I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin. ”The Lord said to Moses: “Bring me seventy of Israel’s elders who are known to you as leaders and officials among the people. Have them come to the tent of meeting, that they may stand there with you. I will come down and speak with you there, and I will take some of the power of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them. They will share the burden of the people with you so that you will not have to carry it alone.Numbers 11:14-17
I took a few things from these verses.
1. God gave 70! people do to the work that Moses was doing. 70! Think about all the work that was on his shoulders that he wouldn’t have gotten assistance with if he had not asked.
2. God didn’t take away anything from Moses when he took away some of his responsibility. He didn’t lose his anointing. He didn’t get demoted. Nobody teased him for asking for help. God wasn’t mad at him for asking and he took care of it right away.
3. Many people were anointed based on Moses asking for help. Nobody complained about helping Moses. I bet they were glad to be able to contribute and help God as well. How many people could be blessed by you asking for help?
I have started outsourcing my life in the last several months and it has been extremely helpful. I have a house cleaner come once a month and it has changed my life. It has taken a ton of stress off my shoulders. I felt so bad when I was initially considering it. I didn’t want people questioning what kind of mother I was if I had to pay someone to clean my house. I have since let go of that idea!
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Remember you don’t owe anyone anything. You want to make decisions that help your life go easier. You will be doing you yourself a favor. Don’t feel bad either, its not necessary and it will only slow you down.
I told yall I had beef with this Proverb. It just seemed so unattainable.
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However, after reading it again it doesn’t focus on the work of a woman as much as I thought, it more so focuses on her character.
I guess we get caught up in her actions more because most of us want some kind of action plan. Tangible steps that we can do in our day to day lives to live better. Its much easier to change when you give me a checklist of things to do. However, God doesn’t really work that way. He want’s our hearts to be right. Once our hearts in the right place, our actions will follow.
How can I apply this today?
Reminder: This isn’t a checklist of things to do but more so a guide to let you know how to live.
We shouldn’t take this literally. Most of us don’t live in places where we can go inspect fields and plant vineyards. I am not sewing any clothes nor do I have a ton of servants I can give housework. I believe this is a stance on not being lazy and trying to make good use of your time. This is a good reminder not to use your free to time to binge Netflix and surf Instagram.
Most bible scholars would say that this is a compilation of many women not just one. This proverb was written by a king named Lemul. He was just writing what he saw his mom, and probably her friends doing. When I start looking at it that way, it changed my perspective. Its bogus to expect one woman to do ALL of the things in this Proverb.
Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10-12
To me these are some of the most important lines in this proverb. I think any woman can get behind this. I certainly want to enrich my husbands life.
It also was not written to women, it was written to men to know what to look for when they go find a wife. People get mad all the time (and I agree with them) that you hear a lot in church about people preaching to women about how to be a good wife but not to men about how to be a good husband. I think knowing that this Proverb was really written to men makes sense. The bible tells us that a man that finds a wife finds a good thing.
What would I want my son to say about me? I want my son and my husband to be proud of me. I want to provide a good example so my son knows what kind of woman to look for. I want him to know what values are important. I want my son to know that beauty on the inside is more important than beauty on the outside. I want to greatly enrich the life of my husband.
The Proverbs 31 woman is very relevant, if we use her (them) as a guide I believe we can get something good out it. If we use it as a checklist, its only going to make us angry and frustrated.
Rainbows are a sign of Gods promises. He put up the first one after he flooded the Earth and saved Noah and his family.
on my drive to work
My birthday was Sunday and it also reminds me of Gods promises. I got pregnant around my birthday two years. On this day as I’m writing this (9/10) I was told I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant on my own. So every year since then it all comes back and reminds me that God is a promise keeper. He does what he says he will do. He doesn’t lie or change his mind. I know that in theory but its nice to have a reminder.
My birthday has always been a big deal to me even from when I was a little kid. Its at the tail end of summer so it could be blazing hot, last year it was 90 degrees! Or it could be cool and chilly. It has always signified new beginnings for me, even more so than the beginning of the year.
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I remember my 33 birthday that was supposed to be my Jesus year and that didn’t happen. Last year was just survival mode in learning how to be a new mom. 35 though…will this be my year?
I dont want to say so and it isn’t but this year feels different. I think the biggest change is consistency. I have been exercising 5 days a week consistently since August 3.
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I have been going to noon day bible study on Wednesday at church since May.
I’ve been doing the work to make lifestyle changes that I can sustain. Sustainability is key. I used to start off super hard but I couldn’t maintain that momentum.
I used to worry about what I could do to keep the momentum going. I was so worried about the something disturbing the joy I was feeling that I wasn’t enjoying it.
Not anymore. I am making sure to take each day one at a time and that has helped tremendously. I am learning how to stop my negative thoughts in its tracks. I am exploring new things and becoming open to new ideas and thought processes. I am learning how to be 100% me, 100% of the time.
I set that goal in December but I didn’t start working on it really until we were forced to stay in the house. The last six months have been a lot of work but I have definitely reaped the benefits.
Always finding the silver lining 