Originally written 3/22/22
I found out on International Women’s Day that I was having a boy. So many emotions went through me and none of them were excitement. Yes I’m happy I’m having another baby. Yes this baby is healthy and strong. But I can’t say I didn’t want a girl. I never pictured myself as a boy mom. I do not like the things traditionally prescribed to boys. I felt like God was thinking I wasn’t a good enough woman to have a daughter. I know logically that isn’t true. But it sure is hard when you’re praying up and down for a girl and that doesn’t happen.
It’s hard not to take it personal. Gods ways are higher than mine though. I always come back to the verse of those who hope in the Lord won’t be disappointed. When I had my first son I felt a way at first. But he is the light of my way. He is so funny, so energetic, so full of life. He is not afraid of anything. He is always up for an adventure. He is 2 going on 12. I am not disappointed. I know when his brother gets here I’ll love on him too.
Before I knew I was having a boy I was walking around in pink, manifesting things, calling the baby a girl, doing everything to convince God that I knew what was best for our family.
I’m the kind of person that needs a reason, so Iike to believe that I don’t have a daughter of my own so I can pour into other young women and girls. So I can birth a book, so I can mother myself. Knowing that I can still impact a young girls life, does make me feel better.
Raising a black man in these times is hard. I’m grateful that God saw something in me that believes I’m capable of the job. Yes I know my husband will play a role in that but this isn’t about him right now. Lol
The biggest thing for me is adjusting the way I thought my life was going to look. I always imagined one boy and one girl. Girl first because that’s the dynamic I have in my family. I think that’s what gender disappointment is all about, mourning the life you had previously envisioned.
Now that my 2nd son is here I know God made the right decision. He fits into our family perfectly.
Until next time,