Waiting, Part 2

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My foundation was weak. I never thought about that before. I was doing all these things to show God I was ready for a baby but my walk was weak. I was rooted in the world. I wasn’t rooted in God. I was worshiping the promise but not the promise giver. I had made having a baby my idol because I put it before God. I had put it before God and I didn’t realize it. What is on your mind constantly? Is it finding a man? Is it a new job or promotion? Making more money, buying a new house? Be careful you could be making that thing an idol.

Self-care-dino-Resize

That is when I started my journey of self care. It was definitely a challenge. Self examination is a long process. I had to learn how to be content in the mean time. I didn’t want to do that because to me that meant that I was happy not getting what I wanted. That isn’t what it means though. I had to learn how to approach life differently. Would I continue to be happy and sad every 30 days, ruled by my menstrual cycle or would I get over myself? My friend often reminds me, everybody is waiting for something. This is a challenge I still deal on with on a regular basis. Six people I know had babies in 2017. I already know 3 or more pregnant women in 2018 and its only February! None of those women are me. I really do not understand why, the only thing I can say is that its not yet. Just like the captured Israelites in Babylon, I have to be ok because I could be in this space for a while. Jeremiah 29:5-14.

My pastor says, God doesn’t waste a hurt. You go through things so that you can encourage others that are in your situation or in a similar situation. I know this is a story that God wanted me to tell others. I always thought that it would After I was pregnant and had overcome this that I would share.

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However I see now that isn’t the case. God wants people to see me as I go through, not on the other side. God wants me to work on my image problem. I was ashamed. You are made to believe that women are put here on Earth to reproduce and if you can’t do that then something is wrong with you. In my telling the story after it happened I can control what people think of me. They can’t pity me or feel sorry for me, if its after the fact. That is what has taken me so long to say anything because when people ask why we don’t have kids yet and I say we are having trouble, I often feel pity from them. That’s my perception anyway. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me. I am blessed. I actually had a person tell me my life sucks, which is definitely not the case.I have also gotten a lot of basic advice that I didn’t ask for, lol. This story is bigger than me though. If even one person is able to take something away from this then it was worth it.

Now that I got that out, in my next post I will talk in more detail about what to do in the meantime. How do you handle waiting on God? Essentially, how do you wait well?

Waiting, Part 1

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I have been wanting a baby a long time. A strong 5 years I would say. I still don’t have one but I’m not giving up hope that it will happen. I haven’t always had the mindset of not wasting my wait. Some years I was on it. No drinking, hard partying trying to get my body and mind ready for baby. Other years I was more let’s just see what happens. People get pregnant everyday with much worse life styles then the one I’m leading. I’ve been to specialists and all kind of things to no result. The only conclusion they could come to is that there is nothing wrong me. Fantastic! Before you think it, my husband sperm count is off the charts. The doctor went on about it so much that I started to develop a complex.

The worst thing about waiting is when you want something and there is no explainable reason why you don’t have it. I’m not old. There is no history of infertility in mother or grandmother. Unexplained infertility effects 20-30% of women every year. I’m glad to see celebrities like Gabrielle Union, Crissy Teigen and Tia Mowery-Hardict speak out about their challenges. It certainly helps ease the stigma.

What are they doing in the mean time? How are they handling the wait? I could be wrong but I dont see as much discussion about that. I’m sure you are going to set goals for this year. Unfortunately they may not all happen and it won’t matter how much hard work you put in or how hard you pray. I’m not saying that to be mean or a hater. It’s just a fact of life. What are you going to do in the mean time?

I did IVF (in-vitro fertilization) in Feb (had to stop) and then again in March of last year. As you can see it didn’t work. I was devastated, especially since there isn’t anything medically wrong with me. The doctor was sure it would work. He told us we were betting with house money. Nope! Got to the final stage of the process when he was like, oh I wasn’t expecting this. My bad for getting your hopes up. Welp. That was the end of that. I had to make a choice. Clearly this baby thing wasn’t happening right now.

I asked God want did he want me to do. What lesson was he trying to convey? What hadn’t I done that I needed to do? There were definitely some things I needed to tweak. My mindset, my attitude, my spiritual walk. God had been telling me to do some things for a while that I had been dancing around. This blog being one of them. I went to see a holistic nurse in May and she told me the same thing the fertility specialist told me nothing was physically wrong with me but I had a root issue.

When your friends spiritual walk doesn’t match yours

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What do you do? Start by asking yourself some questions. Are they hindering my spiritual growth? Are they keeping me from God? Am I being negatively influenced by this person or people? If you can answer no to any of these questions that is a good thing. Are they helping you grow in some other area in your life? Do they encourage you, give you sound advice? Are they a strong shoulder to lean on? Diversity is important. I used to hang around the same kind of people all the time. The experiences I was getting were limited so I decided to expand my horizons.

It has been good. It allows me to share my walk with others while also to learning things from them. Its a good give and take. 

My pastor says choose believers for your best friends. I have certainly have that even if their spiritual walk isn’t strong as mines. That can sometimes be difficult. If your friends are good people don’t ditch them but you need some people who are on the same level as you are or higher. You need people to pour into you as you are pouring out into others. Remember to not be judgmental because you were once in the same place they were. I’m not perfect. There are still things I need to work on. Just because I may read the bible more or not engage in the same sin they do doesn’t make me better. You either. We all fall short of what God wants for us. Thank God for new mercies everyday. 

wia

It’s hard because you realize you found something good, you want other people to have it as well. It’s an issue I struggle with often. I don’t understand why the people I love don’t always get it and I often don’t have the words to explain it. I just hope I am a good example. I have to remind myself that I only can do so much and I am not responsible for anyone’s actions but my own. I just have to pray and allow God to do only what he can do.

You may not want to be involved with conversations you used to have or want to go places you used to go. The pressure to fit in can be hard sometimes. My FOMO (Fear of missing out) can be strong! I want to know what is happening and be there when it does, lol. Continue to stay strong though, if they are your friends they won’t put you in positions that make you uncomfortable.

fomo

Try to find a group of people your age at church. I know a lot of people don’t like church and have their own issues with it but its a great place to find like minded people. If you really can’t do church try to find online communities, although nothing is the same as in person. I know people will disagree but if you want to grow spiritually you need to be a part of God’s community. I read a lot of books, watch sermons online, listen to podcasts and read my bible but there is something to be said about being in God’s house.

Image result for hebrews 10:25a

Being around your friends who may have different faith walks then yours is ok, just remember not to compromise your faith for anyone. The longer you consistently walk with God you will find a balance.

100% Authentic

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100% of the time. Are you doing that? I’m not saying you dont cuss out your coworker for asking you some dumb question. More along the lines of are you uncompromising in your beliefs all the time in action and in truth. That question hit me like a ton of bricks in Sunday School.

No. I am not. I’m close. I am myself at home, work, and church. I spend the majority of my time at the first two so that makes good sense. I’m trying to spend more time at church by going to Sunday school, serving etc. I haven’t been 100% honest in my dealings with my friends and it weighs on me. Outside people don’t know the person you used to be, so any changes you make, it makes no difference to them. With your friends its different to let your guard down because they have seen you at your worst, they were probably with you when you were doing it. lol. Seriously though, rejection is a hard thing to deal with. Your friends probably won’t reject you but will they start excluding you from things? Maybe. Will they care enough about you and less about the things you don’t want to do or hear anymore to not exclude you? Its a risk I haven’t always been willing to take.

I haven’t been completely authentic here. Not that the words I’ve said haven’t been true. It’s more that I’ve held myself back to not offend anyone or make people feel bad about their choices. This blog isn’t for that person though. I don’t want anyone to feel condemned but I do want you to feel convicted so you can make better choices. I had a reader send me a question about spiritual growth. Side bar: yay! People are reading and thinking about things. It was a great question but I havent posted the response because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I may not hurt their feelings  but the thought makes me sad that what I say could cause anyone even a moment of grief.

I think to much about what other people think and how they feel. In doing so, I slowly compromise on the things I believe. Every time I hold back my true feelings in fear of what someone is going to say or what they think I’m not being authentic. I don’t need to express every thought I’m thinking, especially if it is not helpful or building someone up. However, I know there were times when I kept silent when my opinion might make a difference. When I walked a statement back because it didn’t jibe with the majority.

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God called us to be set apart, not stand with the crowd. Standing alone is hard though. In some ways I envy these young kids, high schoolers and college kids. They are taught to be individuals, for better or worse they are themselves all the time. People don’t fault them for it either. When I was in high school all I wanted to do was fit in, I didn’t want to stand out from anyone. As I have gotten older, I have learned to be more of an individual but sometimes I waver. Its hard to stand alone but when I lie in bed at night and think about my day, I want God to say well done. Eventually if you are standing alone, God will send the right people to stand with you, if you continue not compromise, if you don’t grow weary of doing good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Borrowing trouble

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I was cruising down the street the other day, just feeling good about life. I was running early for work, traffic was great and my curls were popping! I got the radio blasting and I’m singing along just praising God for his awesomeness. I didn’t have a care in the world. It was great!

It didn’t take long however for my mind to start going other places. Reminding me of all the people I needed to call back, times I spoke out of turn, etc. It was crazy! I hadn’t even been in my car 15 minutes. I keep thinking that I can’t feel this good before work, something bad must be about to happen. I recognized that this was wrong thinking and I immediately stopped and tried to think of something else but it didn’t really work. When I got to work I had to think, why did I let my brain start to think that something could go wrong? I always try to choose joy. I wrote about a few months ago. It’s easier said than done. I try to remind my self to only worry about today and not go and borrow trouble.

It’s easier said than done.

Spiritual check

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We are almost 40 days into 2018. I know you are putting together goals and vision boards and speaking affirmations over your life. This is all great stuff. One thing though, have you thought about your spiritual goals at all? As we get settled into the new year you should ask yourself some questions. Are you any closer to God than you were last year? Are you consistently having a quiet time? Have you memorized any bible verses? Writing goals down is great idea but you won’t be able to accomplish these goals nearly as well if you aren’t putting God first in everything you do.

I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish and do in summer of 2017. I literally made out a list the weekend before memorial day and prayed to God to help me accomplish every goal that I had set. It happened. I was surprised! It wasn’t difficult at all either. I wasn’t really solely on my own skills or abilities. As we walk into this new year, take stock of where your relationship with God. Try to make that a priority in 2018 as well, just as much as you want to go further in your career, exercise, and visit your Grandma more often.

Here is the spiritual check I did last month. SpiritualHealthCheck by Trevor J. Partridge

It is easy to understand and is broken down in to different sections. Scriptural reading, stewardship, sharing your faith, etc. Its gives you a range from optimal to you still need to work on some things. It definitely provided some clarity and direction for me in 2018. I know I need to work on stewardship, sharing my faith and scripture memorization. If you can, find an accountability partner. Someone that is going to help you stay focused and accomplish these goals.

Proverbs 16-9

I know I want 2018 to be a better year than 2017 was and I know that I can accomplish that by giving God my goals. Actually praying about the goal or the plan Before I decide to do it, not after. Praying before allows God to help you formulate the best course of action and it is saying, I give this to you Lord, and I trust your process and results. Its not to late to decide the course for the year. I didn’t decide until May that I wanted to turn my 2017 around and I am so glad I did. Write out what you want to do and talk to God about it. The best thing about writing it all done is that you watch God do all things you asked him to do.

In the middle of night

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I lie awake thinking of you, meditating on you through the night.

Psalms 63:6 NLT

https://bible.com/bible/116/psa.63.6.NLT

I woke up a few times in the middle of the night this week and I used to wonder why but now I know that it’s just God wanting to get my attention. Back in the day I used to channel surf or flip through Instagram but that didn’t help me fall back to sleep. Now I read my bible or meditate on a verse. The meditating is cool and easy. Literally just repeating the same verse over and over in your mind. A few of my favorites, God is within her, she will not fail (Psalm 46:5) or blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill his promise to her (Luke 1:45).

If that doesn’t work I try to retell a biblical story in my head. I’m doing the bible in a year reading plan so I will retell the story of Jacob, Rachel and Leah or the story of Joseph, all in Genesis. Some times I just lay there and say God I’m listening…is there something you want to say to me or get my attention? When you ask God to speak to you, he will, but your mind has to be clear to hear what he is saying. Meditating is a good way to clear your head so you can be open to what God has to say.

Fasting

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I’m not Catholic but with Lent coming up on February 14, I have been trying to think about things to give up for 40 days. I like fasting oddly enough. Even though its hard when I first start, I appreciate the clarity it brings and the focus that I have on God during that time period.

Fasting is something you do for you, not God, it clears your mind so you can focus on him. Often times people believe that fasting has to be food, but from my experience but I don’t believe it has to be food. You can fast anything that is going to be a challenge for you, something that is potentially distracting you from God. Food may not be it for you. I tried to do the Daniel fast once, it was a disaster! With the Daniel fast you can’t eat meat or carbs or drink anything but water. Its pretty restrictive. Check out this website if you want more information.

ttps://draxe.com/daniel-fast/

The problem I had with the Daniel fast is that I was focusing more on the rules then I was on God. I had completely missed the point. I was becoming more frustrated and making the process more legalistic, the exact thing Jesus tells us not to do. Relationship is more important than rules, that’s the whole purpose of the new covenant. My care group, or small group, or bible study group, whatever name works for you, we fast every Monday night from 12 midnight to Tuesday at noon. We do this to draw closer to God before we have bible study on Tuesday evening.

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Fasting is something that I have been doing a lot of lately. I am waiting on God for a blessing and I don’t want the world to distract me and I also don’t want to start worrying about when it is going to happen. To stop myself from doing those things I have cut out distractions.  I just finished a 21 day fast. I fasted secular fiction books. This may not seem like a big deal but I LOVE to read. It is my most favorite pastime. Its how I unwind, cheer myself, distract myself from the world. However, its also a way for me to hide and not explore my feelings or answer tough questions. I’m not reading any books, I’m also not looking at much social media. Its been crazy! I have noticed how much more free time I have and how much more I read the bible.

This is the second time I have done this fast. I also did it for 21 days in September. I have certainly noticed changes and things that I need to watch out for. Fasting can put you in a spiritual bubble, which really is the purpose. I do it so I can show God I am serious about what I am asking for and that I am ready to make a change.

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Lord, I want to be closer to you. Amazing things are about to happen and I want to be ready for them. I believe what you told me and I just don’t want to waver. I want to be  desperately be better but I just don’t know how. Help me please! I think that I am a good wife but I want to be better. If I am a better wife then I will be a better daughter, sister, aunt and friend. I want to seek your face and not your hand. I want to be closer to you.  Amen.

Burn it away

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Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight!
Psalms 32:1 NLT
https://bible.com/bible/116/psa.32.1.NLT

On Dec 30 my husband and I wrote down everything we were feeling guilty about and read them out loud. This wasn’t necessarily a confession but more of a let’s get this off your chest. It also wasn’t something that had anything to do with each other. One of mine was not calling my friends and mom more. After we read each other’s list.I set them on fire and watched them burn in the snow. Fun fact: I love setting things on fire lol. It was theraputic to watch them burn though. Never to be brought up again. No condemnation, no judgement, no nothing. Remember that as you are working on your new self in 2018.

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:12 NIV
https://psalm.bible/psalm-103-12

Read this whole Psalm. It is really good. One of my favorites. Sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves when we mess up but God doesn’t. He gives us new mercies everyday

When you backslide

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It’s bound to happen unfortunately. What do you do? Do you get down on yourself? Do you get mad for making the same mistakes? I used to. I would be so frustrated. Mad at myself for slipping, mad at God for letting me slip, mad at the devil for tempting me. Just mad. It was terrible. I started trying to prep myself for the backslide.

I would run from God which would make my falling off worse. I would hide because I felt badly for failing. I thought that God was mad at me but that wasn’t the case. I would stop talking to him before he stopped talking to me. God doesnt do that though. He forgives us as soon as we repent.

When I’m upset about committing a wrong I read Psalm 51. David messed up pretty bad, this is when he slept with Bathsheba and killed her husband Uriah to cover it up. He was still called a man after God’s own heart. I think the big thing with falling off is not continuing to do it. If I say I’m not reading anymore smut but then I read some Eric Jerome Dickey book, God isn’t going to hate me because I messed up. The problem comes when I read the next book in the series since I already messed up anyway. Or if I’m supposed to call my grandma once a week and I miss 2 weeks in a row, deciding to call anyway.

We get new mercies everyday. I have to make sure I’m better prepared not to fall into temptation. Recognizing my triggers for things I may be tempted by and removing them if possible. Making sure I tailor my reactions. I don’t have sucked in to temptation or go to every petty party I’m invited to. I can chose another way.

Stay focused on the bigger picture, don’t let your mistake derail you from your progress. My pastor always says, it doesn’t matter how you start but how you finish. So you messed up, that’s ok. Just don’t continue to do it when you know better.