I was listening to this podcast called For the Love with Jen Hatmaker and one of the guests on her show was Dr. Brene. This lady is amazing. Her Tedtalk on Vulnerability was amazing. We watched at work for a professional development workshop. When you get some time you should watch her. TedTalk. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

One thing she said on Jen Hatmaker podcast that stuck with me was, we can’t shame people into changing. That really stuck with me. Often times that is exactly what we do. In school you do your homework so the teacher doesn’t call and you and you not have the answers. When your kid pushes someone down at the playground, do you make them feel bad about it? If your spouse doesn’t go to church, or take out the trash, or you constantly nag them? Do you make them feel like a bad person? I’m sure this is unintentional of course.

My husband had some ideas about something that I really disagree with. I tried to dissuade him from his thought process by offering him sound words of advice and letting him know his argument didn’t make sense. I wasn’t doing a good job though. I could tell in the midst of the argument that I wasn’t making any head way.I wanted to impose my views and thoughts on him and it is not the way that should have been done. I had to look at my motives, some of my reasons for trying to change his mind were selfish. I didn’t call my friends and complain about him, even though I wanted to. I decided to sit down and journal out everything I was thinking. It helped me realize that only God can change him, not me.

Shaming was definitely involved, I even told him his actions were blocking our blessings. Which is not only selfish but diminishing of God’s power. I knew as I was talking I was making my point in the wrong way but I didn’t know how to stop it. When the situation came up again I decided to leave it alone. I got much better results that way. Sometimes its not about being right, honestly most times its not about being right. Its always better to check your motives first when entering into debates. My motive wasn’t just to prove that I was right and get my husband to change his thought process, but I was concerned about how his actions would reflect on me and that is not appropriate or my place.

I decided to let it go, God can change him better than I can and my opinion isn’t helping, it was just making him dig his heels in more. It doesn’t matter that I’m correct. I am. My method wasn’t right and you can’t change a persons mind if they don’t want to be changed. I will have to continue to pray for him. I can see his softening somewhat on his position but it will take time. I will not give up though, but I won’t say anything else to him about it.Shaming is not the way. There has to be a better way to get people to see reason, sometimes we can’t though. That is ok, God will always show someone reason if we pray for wisdom for them. We will also gain some wisdom ourselves in the midst of those prayers.

I have seen people saying they want to read more this year so here is a list of some of my books I really enjoyed reading last year.

• Redeeming Love- Francine Rivers-This book was amazing. I was surprised at how much I liked it. It is historical fiction. It is the story of Hosea from the Old Testament. It gets a little repetitive but the story of Hosea is repetitive. Its representative of how God felt about Israel and how he forgives her several times and she keeps messing up. Its also a beautiful love story.
• *How to hear The Voice of God- Joyce Meyer. I didn’t read this last year but its one of my all time favorites. It spoke to me and answered a lot of questions that I had about how to distinguish between me talking and God talking. Joyce speaks plainly and is easy to understand.
• You Can’t Touch My Hair- Phoebe Robinson-It was absolutely hilarious. I found her very relatable. She is young and black and from Cleveland! There were a few weird chapters, one being about her love of U2, which I skipped, lol. Overall, it was great. She also on a podcast called 2 Dope Queens. You should check it out. They are about to have a show on HBO.
• Wait and See: Finding Peace in Gods Pauses and Plans – Wendy Pope-This book changed my life. It made me look at the way I viewed the wait that God was putting me through. She has really good questions at the end of each chapter. They are thought provoking and really help you put things into perspective. She also has action steps and I love a book that doesn’t just talk at you and but gives you a clear way to move forward.
• Jesus Calling- Sara Young- It’s a devotional but it is the best one I have ever read. Sara writes as if Jesus is speaking to you. All scripture based. It is amazing. If you don’t read anything else on this list read this.
• Delilah and Bathsheba-Angela Hunt- These are two separate books. They are the
• retelling of the stories of Delilah and Samson and Bathsheba and David. It offers an interesting perspective of these biblical stories. I like them because they also give you insight into the biblical times and some historical context that the bible doesn’t provide.
  Honorable mentions-Check these book out as well.They were really good. I love to read and I can easily read 5 or 6 books a month. I just read two books over the weekend, lol.
• Strongholds-Vanessa Davis Griggs
  The Shack- William Young
  Breaking Night- Liz Murray
• I’m Judging You-Awesomely Luvvie

Paul says that not everything is beneficial or necessary. I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but not everything is constructive. 1 Corinthians 10:23. That is how I feel about “mommy porn” or as I like to call it smut. I never thought about it like that when I was reading romance novels but it is definitely like that. If my husband was watching porn I would definitely feel bad. I started wondering how he felt about me reading romance novels or books with graphic sex scenes. He didn’t like it. He thought I wanted my life to be like the books I was reading. That isn’t true. It was entertainment but then I started to thinking about the image I was portraying to others. I hadn’t published this blog yet but it seemed hypocritical of me.

I didn’t feel comfortable with the books I had on display in my living room and if I didn’t feel right about telling people what I was reading, then that was a problem. The books you read are a reflection of you. It lets people know your interests and how you spend your time. If I’m spending more time with God shouldn’t my hobbies reflect that? So I went cold turkey back in August. I sold almost all my “smut” to half price books and I started to delete them off my kindle. Then I fasted fiction books for 21 days in September. It was really hard for me but good because it opened me up to different genres. I can honestly say I haven’t missed it. It has made me do more research into what I’m reading and really assess what I’m taking in. My biggest weakness in smut would probably be tv or music. It’s hard to get away from them but even in things that are supposed to be family friendly they is still cursing and sexual innuendo. Music will always be hard because I enjoy a trap beat every now and again. I think moderation is ok. I work in a high school and I think it’s important to know what they are listening to and watching. I read more than I listen to music or books, that’s the area I felt most convicted in, so that’s what I cut out.

I know people are wondering what’s the big deal with reading books with sex scenes or cursing. For you they that may not be a deal and that’s great. However, think about how your spouse or significant other would feel. Including outside images in your relationship is never a good idea and if your single, it definitely may not be a good idea. That’s another conversation for another day.  Plain and simple God doesn’t like it and in spiritual growth you want to do more of things that God likes and not just the things that you like. That can sometimes be difficult but certainly better for you in the long run.

I’m learning to be vulnerable, to see the changes I need to make, and realize its all a process. A long process. I want to be better now! Lol. It doesn’t work that way. Reminds of a line from when Harry met Sally. When you realize you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start now. I feel that way about Jesus. I want to show the world all the things that I have been reading in the bible that am I applying to my life. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just say you want to change and changes instantly start happening. I wish it worked that way though. You have to put in the work for the changes you want to happen.

Now that we are in 2018 and making vision boards and writing out goals. I want to change now. I want to be a better person asap. Part of that is I am impatient and want things to happen now. Once I set my mind to something I don’t want to wait for it. The thing is though if it took 25 years to develop that habit then you probably aren’t going to break it in 21 days. It such a hard thing to comprehend when you are ready to start making changes. I know I’m having a hard time. I see growth but just as quickly I’m 2 steps away from backsliding. It’s a vicious cycle. Don’t get discouraged. It’s not going to happen overnight but if you keep with it you will overcome and transform. I know that sounds cliche but its really just one day at a time. No more no less. Choosing to not do that habit you are trying to break or starting a new habit. Next week I will talk about what to do if you backslide or miss a day or something doesn’t go according to plan.

I was definitely ready for 2017 to be over. The year had some crazy plot twists that I wasn’t ready for. My best friend told me she was glad 2017 was ending better than it had started. She asked me if I felt the same. At first I said no. That this year ended just as terrible as 2016 did, however I needed to check my journal because I could be wrong.

I journal just about everyday even if its only for a few minutes. It’s a good way for me to do my devotional and keep track of my prayers and my insights on what God has said to me. So I sat down and read my journals from November 2016 until now. I was wrong. This year is ending much better than it started. I ended the year with confusion and anguish. I had a tough decision to make and prayed and prayed and I still couldn’t tell if that was what God wanted me to do. Beginning of 2017 was not great either. Things really started to pick up around May. Summer 17 was all the way lit. It would have been the one of best summers of my adult life if my dog had not unexpectedly died.

Fall was cool but work was really busy. That got in the way of my personal life. I look back at that time I see myself trying to recapture those summer feelings.

Journaling is the best because you can reflect on how things happened and when. The bad times are fresher in our memory than the good times. I’m not sure why that is. Writing them down I had my own track record of God making moves in my life. It’s one thing to read about it happening to someone else, it’s another to experience it for yourself. In another post I will share my journal entry before the summer started and how everything I asked from God happened.

As we move into the new year can you say that 2017 is ending better than it started? Do you see the evidence of that? Start a journal. It doesn’t have to be fancy or time consuming. I read a devotional and a few verses and write in the morning before I get in the shower. It’s a great way to give my plans and worries to God before I go to work. It’s a nice way to spend time with God before the day gets to busy.

2018 will be a new year with new opportunities.

Having a journal will not only help you track your progress but allow you to see what God is saying to you. Having a reference makes it so much easier to go back and do what God told you to do. It also allows you to make any character adjustments you need to make because you can see over and over what you are praying for and how God is responding. Reading all the whining I was doing to God in the beginning of the year definitely helped me make some attitude adjustments in the second half of the year.

With balance
I feel the most clarity when I’m fasting. Limited social media, tv, books,.etc. When I am not allowing anything to get between me and God, I feel free. Light. Like I am communing with God on a level that is unparalleled. I see and hear him everywhere. It is amazing.  I can’t do that all the time though. I think that is where the binging comes in. The word says there is no balance. If you love the world, then you are an enemy of God. James 4:4, 1 John 2:15. Period. That’s pretty cut and dry. Revelation 3:16 says don’t be lukewarm, pick a side. Jesus says leave everything behind on follow him. Luke 14:25-27 When I hear that I feel doomed like I am never going to be able to get this right and please God. I have come to the place where I’m asking God more what can I do to please him vs what can he give me. In doing that through I have put a lot of pressure on myself. I have to constantly remind myself that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. He isn’t expecting me to not mess up, he wants me to lean on him. I’m getting better. I just have to remember to take it one day at a time.
Some days I’m all in with God, others I’m doing the bare minimum.

As I told you last week, I’m trying to not to cuss, read/watch smut or gossip. Reading smut I have been able to cut out. It wasn’t that difficult when I put my mind to it. It was very easy for me to control the content I am taking in that way. However, watching smut is a totally different thing. Smut is every where! I will write another post about this to further explain what I mean. Just know the struggle is real!
Some days that I am doing great, other days I’m knee deep in a Netflix hole or lost 2 hours in Instagram.

What do I do?
-Ask the Lord for help
– find my triggers
Routine, bored, social media, tried of feeling guilty about messing up. Condemnation from myself mostly
Bad day at work, fight with my husband
Laziness, miss church once, easier to miss, miss devotional once, easier to miss
Finish a lesson don’t know what to do next

I am not the only person that has been in this position however. Paul asked why do I do the things I don’t want to? Romans 7:15-24. Paul was really going through! He says, What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  I have been there Paul. What do we do? He says thanks be to God who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord. God can handle our sin. He appreciates are good motives. I have to remind myself that he sees my efforts and he will help me if I ask him.

What are you trying to work on? We are getting close to the end of the year. Don’t go into 2018 with the same bad habits from 2017.

Prayer:
Lord help me seek you wholeheartedly. Help me not be distracted by things of this world. Help me realize that you are enough. That I don’t have to be a slave to sin and that I have been made a new creation in your son Jesus Christ. Help me want you more and the world less. Thank you in advance for my spiritual growth. In Jesus name, Amen.

Thats what holding a grudge. Drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It literally makes no sense, however people do it constantly. Why? Holding a grudge is in your mind you still having power over this person. You can replay it and rehash it, visualizing what you are going to say. It never dies, it just festers and grows like a cancer.

I’m not typically a grudge holder. I also don’t believe I’m easily offended. I try to look at things from the other persons perspective before I get upset about it. 9/10 times this usually works, however, a family member said something to me that really hurt my feelings. It changed the dynamic of our entire relationship. Its been a few years since this happened but I haven’t been able to let it go.

I have tried many times to let it go but soon as I start to talk about it I get all riled up again. As the holidays are coming around again,  I know I’m going to see this person and I truly want to be over it.

1. They probably don’t even remember saying what they said to me
2. If they do remember they probably figure it wasn’t a big deal, they were ” just joking”

3. I need to consider the source. Does this person’s opinion matter that much? Why have I decided to give them so much power of over me?

I also need to see what part I have played in this. Holding on to this anger makes me very self righteous. Not good. Also could there be some truth to what they said and I didnt like being called out about it? Probably. Had I looked at how they must have felt to act that way? No. I have never addressed it either. I see this person, and speak, acting as if everything is fine and its not.

The holidays are upon us. We are going to be sitting with our family and potentially harboring hurt feelings and resentment. Don’t do it though. Holding the grudge is getting you absolutely no where and it is ruining the time you are spending with your family. If you decide you want to confront that person, you should but be cautious. Tell them how you feel but in a respectful manner, try to pull them to the side and do it in private. Don’t expect an apology because it may not come and you have to be ok with that. Its not about them, its about you. I hope your holidays go well and I will let you all know if I decide to say something to my relative that hurt my feelings. I may not, their opinion doesn’t mean as much to me anymore now that I have considered the source a little more. I am working on forgiving them but I will not forget, you don’t either.