Paul says that not everything is beneficial or necessary. I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but not everything is constructive. 1 Corinthians 10:23. That is how I feel about “mommy porn” or as I like to call it smut. I never thought about it like that when I was reading romance novels but it is definitely like that. If my husband was watching porn I would definitely feel bad. I started wondering how he felt about me reading romance novels or books with graphic sex scenes. He didn’t like it. He thought I wanted my life to be like the books I was reading. That isn’t true. It was entertainment but then I started to thinking about the image I was portraying to others. I hadn’t published this blog yet but it seemed hypocritical of me.

I didn’t feel comfortable with the books I had on display in my living room and if I didn’t feel right about telling people what I was reading, then that was a problem. The books you read are a reflection of you. It lets people know your interests and how you spend your time. If I’m spending more time with God shouldn’t my hobbies reflect that? So I went cold turkey back in August. I sold almost all my “smut” to half price books and I started to delete them off my kindle. Then I fasted fiction books for 21 days in September. It was really hard for me but good because it opened me up to different genres. I can honestly say I haven’t missed it. It has made me do more research into what I’m reading and really assess what I’m taking in. My biggest weakness in smut would probably be tv or music. It’s hard to get away from them but even in things that are supposed to be family friendly they is still cursing and sexual innuendo. Music will always be hard because I enjoy a trap beat every now and again. I think moderation is ok. I work in a high school and I think it’s important to know what they are listening to and watching. I read more than I listen to music or books, that’s the area I felt most convicted in, so that’s what I cut out.

I know people are wondering what’s the big deal with reading books with sex scenes or cursing. For you they that may not be a deal and that’s great. However, think about how your spouse or significant other would feel. Including outside images in your relationship is never a good idea and if your single, it definitely may not be a good idea. That’s another conversation for another day.  Plain and simple God doesn’t like it and in spiritual growth you want to do more of things that God likes and not just the things that you like. That can sometimes be difficult but certainly better for you in the long run.

I’m learning to be vulnerable, to see the changes I need to make, and realize its all a process. A long process. I want to be better now! Lol. It doesn’t work that way. Reminds of a line from when Harry met Sally. When you realize you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start now. I feel that way about Jesus. I want to show the world all the things that I have been reading in the bible that am I applying to my life. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just say you want to change and changes instantly start happening. I wish it worked that way though. You have to put in the work for the changes you want to happen.

Now that we are in 2018 and making vision boards and writing out goals. I want to change now. I want to be a better person asap. Part of that is I am impatient and want things to happen now. Once I set my mind to something I don’t want to wait for it. The thing is though if it took 25 years to develop that habit then you probably aren’t going to break it in 21 days. It such a hard thing to comprehend when you are ready to start making changes. I know I’m having a hard time. I see growth but just as quickly I’m 2 steps away from backsliding. It’s a vicious cycle. Don’t get discouraged. It’s not going to happen overnight but if you keep with it you will overcome and transform. I know that sounds cliche but its really just one day at a time. No more no less. Choosing to not do that habit you are trying to break or starting a new habit. Next week I will talk about what to do if you backslide or miss a day or something doesn’t go according to plan.

I was definitely ready for 2017 to be over. The year had some crazy plot twists that I wasn’t ready for. My best friend told me she was glad 2017 was ending better than it had started. She asked me if I felt the same. At first I said no. That this year ended just as terrible as 2016 did, however I needed to check my journal because I could be wrong.

I journal just about everyday even if its only for a few minutes. It’s a good way for me to do my devotional and keep track of my prayers and my insights on what God has said to me. So I sat down and read my journals from November 2016 until now. I was wrong. This year is ending much better than it started. I ended the year with confusion and anguish. I had a tough decision to make and prayed and prayed and I still couldn’t tell if that was what God wanted me to do. Beginning of 2017 was not great either. Things really started to pick up around May. Summer 17 was all the way lit. It would have been the one of best summers of my adult life if my dog had not unexpectedly died.

Fall was cool but work was really busy. That got in the way of my personal life. I look back at that time I see myself trying to recapture those summer feelings.

Journaling is the best because you can reflect on how things happened and when. The bad times are fresher in our memory than the good times. I’m not sure why that is. Writing them down I had my own track record of God making moves in my life. It’s one thing to read about it happening to someone else, it’s another to experience it for yourself. In another post I will share my journal entry before the summer started and how everything I asked from God happened.

As we move into the new year can you say that 2017 is ending better than it started? Do you see the evidence of that? Start a journal. It doesn’t have to be fancy or time consuming. I read a devotional and a few verses and write in the morning before I get in the shower. It’s a great way to give my plans and worries to God before I go to work. It’s a nice way to spend time with God before the day gets to busy.

2018 will be a new year with new opportunities.

Having a journal will not only help you track your progress but allow you to see what God is saying to you. Having a reference makes it so much easier to go back and do what God told you to do. It also allows you to make any character adjustments you need to make because you can see over and over what you are praying for and how God is responding. Reading all the whining I was doing to God in the beginning of the year definitely helped me make some attitude adjustments in the second half of the year.

With balance
I feel the most clarity when I’m fasting. Limited social media, tv, books,.etc. When I am not allowing anything to get between me and God, I feel free. Light. Like I am communing with God on a level that is unparalleled. I see and hear him everywhere. It is amazing.  I can’t do that all the time though. I think that is where the binging comes in. The word says there is no balance. If you love the world, then you are an enemy of God. James 4:4, 1 John 2:15. Period. That’s pretty cut and dry. Revelation 3:16 says don’t be lukewarm, pick a side. Jesus says leave everything behind on follow him. Luke 14:25-27 When I hear that I feel doomed like I am never going to be able to get this right and please God. I have come to the place where I’m asking God more what can I do to please him vs what can he give me. In doing that through I have put a lot of pressure on myself. I have to constantly remind myself that there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. He isn’t expecting me to not mess up, he wants me to lean on him. I’m getting better. I just have to remember to take it one day at a time.
Some days I’m all in with God, others I’m doing the bare minimum.

As I told you last week, I’m trying to not to cuss, read/watch smut or gossip. Reading smut I have been able to cut out. It wasn’t that difficult when I put my mind to it. It was very easy for me to control the content I am taking in that way. However, watching smut is a totally different thing. Smut is every where! I will write another post about this to further explain what I mean. Just know the struggle is real!
Some days that I am doing great, other days I’m knee deep in a Netflix hole or lost 2 hours in Instagram.

What do I do?
-Ask the Lord for help
– find my triggers
Routine, bored, social media, tried of feeling guilty about messing up. Condemnation from myself mostly
Bad day at work, fight with my husband
Laziness, miss church once, easier to miss, miss devotional once, easier to miss
Finish a lesson don’t know what to do next

I am not the only person that has been in this position however. Paul asked why do I do the things I don’t want to? Romans 7:15-24. Paul was really going through! He says, What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?  I have been there Paul. What do we do? He says thanks be to God who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord. God can handle our sin. He appreciates are good motives. I have to remind myself that he sees my efforts and he will help me if I ask him.

What are you trying to work on? We are getting close to the end of the year. Don’t go into 2018 with the same bad habits from 2017.

Prayer:
Lord help me seek you wholeheartedly. Help me not be distracted by things of this world. Help me realize that you are enough. That I don’t have to be a slave to sin and that I have been made a new creation in your son Jesus Christ. Help me want you more and the world less. Thank you in advance for my spiritual growth. In Jesus name, Amen.

Thats what holding a grudge. Drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It literally makes no sense, however people do it constantly. Why? Holding a grudge is in your mind you still having power over this person. You can replay it and rehash it, visualizing what you are going to say. It never dies, it just festers and grows like a cancer.

I’m not typically a grudge holder. I also don’t believe I’m easily offended. I try to look at things from the other persons perspective before I get upset about it. 9/10 times this usually works, however, a family member said something to me that really hurt my feelings. It changed the dynamic of our entire relationship. Its been a few years since this happened but I haven’t been able to let it go.

I have tried many times to let it go but soon as I start to talk about it I get all riled up again. As the holidays are coming around again,  I know I’m going to see this person and I truly want to be over it.

1. They probably don’t even remember saying what they said to me
2. If they do remember they probably figure it wasn’t a big deal, they were ” just joking”

3. I need to consider the source. Does this person’s opinion matter that much? Why have I decided to give them so much power of over me?

I also need to see what part I have played in this. Holding on to this anger makes me very self righteous. Not good. Also could there be some truth to what they said and I didnt like being called out about it? Probably. Had I looked at how they must have felt to act that way? No. I have never addressed it either. I see this person, and speak, acting as if everything is fine and its not.

The holidays are upon us. We are going to be sitting with our family and potentially harboring hurt feelings and resentment. Don’t do it though. Holding the grudge is getting you absolutely no where and it is ruining the time you are spending with your family. If you decide you want to confront that person, you should but be cautious. Tell them how you feel but in a respectful manner, try to pull them to the side and do it in private. Don’t expect an apology because it may not come and you have to be ok with that. Its not about them, its about you. I hope your holidays go well and I will let you all know if I decide to say something to my relative that hurt my feelings. I may not, their opinion doesn’t mean as much to me anymore now that I have considered the source a little more. I am working on forgiving them but I will not forget, you don’t either.

Sounds good right? Godly even but its a whole lot easier said than done. I have  a person at work that I have had some issues with. No matter how nice or helpful I am to this person it doesn’t seem matter. They are determined to make my job and work life miserable. I kept praying to God about what I should do but nothing was getting better.

In Psalms there are several references to enemies. David wrote most of them while on the run from Saul, or his son Absalom. One verse stood out to me, Proverbs 25:21-22, reap hot coals on their heads. Ok. I can definitely do that. Even with the scripture backing me, it was still hard to do. When I first started praying for my enemies I wanted to pray for them in a negative way. Lord, help them get their life! Help me not snap on them! Help them recognize their shenanigans. However, this is not what Jesus is instructing us to do. So I started again. I prayed for their success and everything they touch turn to gold. I have included this prayer at the bottom.

Once I did it, I slowly started seeing changes. That persons life was not going well, professionally or personally but they weren’t bothering me anymore. I couldn’t believe it. Once I stopped worrying about the situation, trying to get this person to like me, and just gave it to God, I saw real change. The solution was so simple and quick I wish I would have done it sooner. It was much better for me to pray for this individual, then trying to correct them or go toe to toe all the time. That was getting old. Let the Lord fight your battles. I see now exactly what that means and why God wants us to do it.

Prayer:

Lord bless Julie Smith (not her real name).Let everything she touches turn to gold. Let her hard work show great dividends. Let her be able to accomplish everything she wants and more. Let her really hit her stride this year. Let people who are out to get her be stopped in their tracks. Let her learn and see and grow and do more than she ever imagined. Help her with her insecurities and frustrations. Wrap your arms around her Father, show her that she is loved, that she is valued, that she is your child. Help her do her best and know that no one is out to get her.  Show her that who she is good enough, because she you made her in your image. Let her know that her talents, her skills, her being is making an impact in our work place. Ease whatever pain and confusion she is having in her heart. Bless not only her but also her children and her husband as well. Thank you father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Picking a name for something can be pretty difficult. We all know someone who makes you stop and scratch your head and think to yourself what were their parents thinking? Does the name get the point you were trying too make across? Not always. I know people who just settled on something because they were running out of time.

When I was picking blog names I was all over the place. I couldn’t really get across all I wanted to do in just one name. I also didn’t want my name to be title because it felt like too much exposure to fast.

The more I write, though, I feel a little torn. Did I pick the right name? This is on the heels that I will be going live soon. I should have asked someone but I’m not always good at asking for help and I didnt want any scoffers. If you are reading this then I have gone live and the name is there and sticks. I don’t dislike it, I picked it. I also prayed a long time about it before I decided on this. If God helps you do something you shouldn’t have any regrets about it. This very well could be me or the devil trying to delay my progress. Its taken me 6 months from purchasing the domain to publish. I wonder why?

If you look you will find a reason to talk yourself out of anything. Whats the reason you haven’t stepped out on faith? Too risky, not enough money, not enough skill, won’t work, not enough prep, no support? I have felt a lot of these same things myself but I told a girl, if God is in it you will not fail. I needed to be reminded of that. Stepping out on faith requires movement. You only can research and ponder for so long then you gotta move. I’m doing that. At this point, I’m more on the side of whats the worse that can happen. I know this isn’t as big a decision as should I quit my job or do a missionary trip in a foreign country but for me it was big. Im baring my soul on the internets. However as my friend says, I’m standing in my truth. I followed what God said not just my heart, so as I leap I know he will be there to catch me. If you take time to talk to God before you make your decision He will be there when you leap too.

Yes. I didn’t use to think so, though. I felt like my lack of action, my deciding not to do anything was my business alone. It didn’t involve anybody but me and I wasn’t hurting anyone. I didn’t tell anybody my ideas because if it didn’t work out the only person disappointed was me. I can disappoint myself but I don’t like to disappoint other people. How many projects have you let pass by? How many jobs have you not applied to because you didn’t think you would get it? My pastor brought this up a while back and I never thought of it that way. Deciding that you are doing to hold back on your special skills, talents, gifts, perspective is definitely selfish. You are unique.  Whatever awesome thing you are good at that people can’t see you are keeping it from the world.

What’s your reason for keeping it hidden? My reason is that I want it to be perfect. I didn’t write this very blog for years because I held myself to an impossible standard. I wanted to be good right away I didn’t really want to go through the growing pains of first starting out. Most things I do, I do well, and with this being a new venture I didn’t want to do it if I wasn’t going to be the best. I don’t a lot of things I’m not good at for that very reason.  Its terrible I know. I’m working on it.

The funny thing is we weren’t called to be perfect. God is strong in our weakness. He feels in the gaps when we are deficient. Even if one persons life is impacted or changed by what you did wouldn’t that make it all worth it? This girl at work remembers this one line I said to her about stealing time. It was a throwaway line,  don’t even remember saying it. She does though, it has impacted her life. What if someone could remember you but for a positive? I don’t consider that event positive but I guess she will think twice about leaving work early. LOL.

What you have to bring to the table is important. Even if it doesn’t turn out 100% great you will have something to tweak and do better the next time. I still think like that sometimes. God was telling me to be a writer, to share my thoughts but I was caught up in the process. The when, where, how. Would it be a great success? Would anyone read what I had to say? I kept putting it off, doing research (my favorite) however at some point you just have to take the leap. God was literally making me miserable because I had not done what he told me to do. Writing was all I thought about, the words were pouring out of me but had no outlet. So here I am leaping. I hope you leap to. It won’t be as bad as you think, I promise and if it is, so what? What’s the worst that can happen? Good luck to you! Come back and tell me how it goes.