A girl in my small group said this to me and it has changed my whole outlook on my pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I can’t say I was overjoyed or crying or jumping up and down. I was in a state of disbelief. Literally. I thought it may have been a false positive. I went to the drug store to buy another test but God stopped me.
I am a chronic over thinker but I wouldn’t say I was an anxious person. That has changed. I was worried about anything and everything. I was essentially Googling myself into panic. I unfortunately know of too many unhappy endings. Almost everyone of my friends cried when I told them about the baby. It was overwhelming. Then I started to worry about was I hurting God’s feelings by not being grateful. Fear was definitely overriding my joy.
I’m listening to this girls memoir and she talked about not auditioning for Dreamgirls because she was afraid. They asked for her to try out and she never made herself available to audition. Seems like a dumb thing to do, but I definitely understand how she feels.
I am in a much better space now. I appreciate that God allows us to work things out in our own way in our own time. He was never upset with me about how I was reacting, I was upset with myself because I was comparing myself to other people. In my post Being pregnant, I talked about my friend being surprised about how I was treating the pregnancy. Being afraid of my blessing was definitely the reason. Another thing about that is trying to be cognizant of everyone’s feelings around me. I have been the girl that is wanting and waiting and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. I have read articles from being with fertility issues feeling the same way. Its hard because nobody I know personally has been in this situation before.
Anybody can run into this issue. Its called the Imposter Syndrome.
The questions of, do I belong here? Do I deserve these blessings? Am I good enough? I was big on waiting on the other shoe to drop. It doesn’t have to be that way. Something bad is not necessarily going to follow this good thing.
I had to remind myself that I do deserve these blessings and that God is a promise keeper. God wants us to be happy on this side of heaven. Let the good times roll!! I won’t be blocking my blessing by being afraid of them. I will embrace everything that God gives me with joy.